Saturday, December 31, 2011

And again

Assume the fetal position. Lie in your bed with the lights turned off. Hug yourself as tightly as you can. Feel the heaviness of your heart in your chest. Feel it in your gut. Plead for a moment of forgetfulness. Try to make sense of how your heart swells when you're happy and how it shrinks when you're down. You wish you had control over your heart, you wish it had some sort of re-enforcement which stopped it from shrinking, something to stop the void you felt in your gut. There wasn't though, and I'm not sure what to tell you to be honest. I don't understand it.These moments when you tried to sleep, and you couldn't. Your head was empty of any thought but there were all sorts of emotions raging within, a storm that wouldn't quiet down. Suddenly you wish the lights were on, you could read, write, anything. Perhaps escape. It wasn't possible. You hugged yourself tighter. You didn't belong here, you belonged somewhere. Was that how you made yourself feel better? These chains that tied you down were getting rusty. You weren't sure whether this was a good thing, rusty meant easily breakable yet it could mean that any sort of key would no longer work. What tied you down? You were as free as anyone else. Excuses excuses.

What now? This wasn't you. The tortured soul. You were just confused. No idea about what. Saying life was confusing was a statement too vague for your state of being. What do you know of life? Perhaps more than you gave yourself credit for.

---

Come sit by my side, I'll tell you a few things. You'll understand as if you were the voice in my head. I'll have you remember me like this. A subtle being, nothing tied me down and you couldn't use one word to describe me. I was free. Bo assumptions, no expectations, no disappointments. I did everything I wanted to do, I had all the time in the world to just sit and.... think, or not think. To have that luxury.

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The constants you longed for in your life made you wonder, were you a constant yourself? Constant to something or someone? 

5 comments:

Victoria Maraví said...

This is beautifully written, and expresses how I've felt several times during my teen years. I call it "the void" in most of my posts. And hopefully, it's something that will disappear soon for you, too :)

Barry said...

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ ♪♫•*¨*•. ¸¸
Hi Noor, I'm dropping by random blogs to pass on my well-wishes. Happy New Year, I hope 2012 brings all you hope for and deserve!

~ Barry
♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ ♪♫•*¨*•. ¸¸

Rux said...

Honestly felt like you were talking about my turbulent teen years. That uncertainty and confusing hurling within like a storm!
My favorite part of it :"What do you know of life? Perhaps more than you gave yourself credit for."
Keep writing <3

Rux said...

oops i meant confusion! *

Knee said...

I love the first part the most since I was able to visualize it. Makes you really think..
Shine on~