Monday, November 21, 2011

Here, yesterday, today and now

A tiring day. Exams, one after another. Never ending. You know you've reached your limit when you can't smile to people. You avoid their gazes and start wondering how you got here. You couldn't bring yourself to do it. All you had in you was a tired smile. They deserved more, just not today. You became an introvert. You tried to keep to yourself. You needed time off. You were so unsure of everything. You even started questioning the things you considered your pillars of constancy. You can't keep on shutting off the feelings you don't want to feel. They'll leave a rusty spot on your soul. Perhaps they could fade with time, but will you risk living with them forever?
That was yesterday.

She greeted me with a huge smile and a 'wahashteeni'. I gave her a hug and hoped that it told her how touched I was. The simple act. A reminder that someone cared when you most needed it. Nothing unfazed her. How could you not be affected by everything said and done to you? I wanted to be unfazed, steady and self-assured. I longed for it in fact. One day perhaps. You'll tell me you can do it, in me lies the power to change whatever I feel below my existence but it's so hard. The moment you see yourself falling into a state of self-doubt, you know you're going to be down there for a while.
The slightest comment will unleash the insecurities that are rooted in my being. I need constant reassuring of people's affections. I spend quite sometime getting myself out of that phase. I talk myself into the fact that I can't keep on basing what I think of myself on a million variables...This I hardly show, but it shows nonetheless. And there. You need people. I happily need them though so it's not a dilemma. You just wonder. Do they need you too?
This is today.

I lose track of reality and find myself living through something else. There's a fine line between this being a gift and an easy escape. I can live through other people, books or fictional scenarios. I build the latter in my head. I have conversations with my friends or imagine a scene playing out. Do you know when you stop knowing whether something actually happened or it was just a dream? I feel that with those moments I create in my head. They feel so real I sometimes spend quite sometime wondering if whatever I need to say was said out loud or not. Is this healthy? It could be if it was combined with living it to the fullest with your soul. Was it possible to experience something you didn't actually go through? Even if you only got one thousandth of what that person felt? Are we kidding ourselves here?
This is ongoing.

Is it justifiable to wish the world a shade darker when you're gloomy as long as you wished it was a shade brighter because you're happy? I wonder.

1 comment:

Ze2red said...

don't we all wish for that wish you wrote down in the last couple of lines?