Saturday, August 7, 2010

"Wondering what I've got to do, Or who I'm supposed to be"*

I remember the time when I decided what I wanted to be. The geeky twin from a lame movie. I decided I'd be the geeky, nerdy, tidy, nice person. I was quite taken with being that kind of person. I think I never lived up to that idea I had. I didn't care about being "tidy" anymore because I realized it didn't define me, and shouldn't define me for that matter. I always thought I'd never be moody, but when I noticed signs of that on myself I became even more gloomy. I was not living up to the person I wanted myself to be.
I think I forced myself into being that person when I was a teenager. I didn't know who I was, or who I was supposed to be but I just felt that I had to be a "character" you would see on an American movie. Only now I realize those stereotypes don't exist here and I can't be one of them.
I'd often watch people, to an outsider they seemed so dull and lifeless. Doing things they thought necessary for their families, going out because their families were going out, and keeping that look that said they didn't have an opinion over anything. I'd wonder if they were like that, or if their circumstances made them seem so... unimportant. Sometime back I began thinking over that, what right did I have to criticize these people's attitude or even looks? Who am I to make judgments over how they live their lives? And why did I always think their life was so sad and unimportant?
I used to convince myself that I'd never end up like that, I would have a say over matters even if my opinion wasn't heard. Especially over matters that concerned me. Now, I simply ponder on how hard it is to voice out your opinion when you know it's not the "right" one to have, to speak out when what you say isn't what they want to hear.
I never thought the day would come when I'd keep quiet when matters were discussed. That day has come, and everyday I hope I'd simply wish I'd remain silent. My opinions are often misguided and when you are still learning about life it's more important to understand it, than to form hurried opinions. My opinions, once spoken out loud, seem so absurd even to me.
Don't get me wrong, I will have opinions over worldly issues, and things that matter to me greatly and will not be afraid to voice those out, what I am speaking of are day-to-day opinions over life. I am learning how to refuse talking about issues I know nothing of, when earlier I'd simply say the first thing that came to my mind, and a day or two after I've been dwelling over what I said I'd realize how stupid I was to say it.
I don't even know if what I'm saying makes sense right now but it's important for me to voice these thoughts out even if nobody understand, it's like making it official in my mind to act upon what I've written above.
Most of the time we are ruled by circumstances. I always wonder though, why do we let ourselves be ruled that way when we have the power to at least to try to achieve what we want?
With much confusion,

*Title is from Gavin Degraw's song I Don't Want To Be.


Unknown said...

You're developing, my oh dear friend :) You don't necessarily have to fit into that geeky image anymore.

Take me, for instance. I left college and felt so frustrated, so depressed, because I had (and maybe still have) the academic role embedded in me. I was like "I'm losing time".

But we're not really losing time. We're growing up, and if we need a thousand years to do so, so be it. We just have to try and not take things so seriously :)


هَالـة said...

نور لم أدري كيف الطريق إليكِ !
هنالك "واجب ينتظرك" في مدونتي ^^ ..

"لا تنشري التعليق هذا ،لدواعي أمنيّة خخ"

تحيّتي | أتمنى أن يكونَ سهلاً