Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I thought I had the opportunity to tell all. Yet, it passed away. I don't know if I didn't know what to say,.
As I tried to act as if nothing happened. Somehow it worked, and the day passed. And I keep wondering how we, humans, let the smallest things effect our relationships with people and how we deal with them. I can come talk to you, cheer you up, and then one day I'd be upset and you'd back off.
Is that friendship is like?
Not just on your side. Mine too. And they say true friendships no longer exist, but why do we have to demand of a friendship more than it can actually give?

I'm not directing this to a specific friend really, I'm just asking vague questions. I need to. I've been thinking about this all day, and I don't know the right way to express it but it has to come out.
Today, I chose to be positive. I did. I thought it was something that simply happened, and you felt it as the day went on. I've become moody lately and as the day goes, I start feeling guilty about being moody and it's become a vicious circle. So, perhaps these last couple of months won't be as I expect them to be, at least I know I am trying to make them better, and trying to leave good impressions of people I may not see again.

That is also an issue of itself. I didn't worry about leaving friends behind before, at least I'll be starting a new life. Now, I'm thinking these are people I've spent a lot of time with, and they know me well, I'm used to seeing them everyday, hear them whine about school, how am I going to feel leaving them? It's inevitable I know, some assure me we'll always be in touch, and I believed it. Now, I'm having second thoughts.
I remember a friend of mine, we knew her for 2 years, then she left to her country, we were close friends. I remember telling her how it'd be odd years from now when we meet it'll be hard for us to talk, to bring up topics as easily as we did. They laughed at me, telling me that won't happen to us. When we saw her, it was better than I thought it'd be, but still I felt what I said was true. It had to be this way. I guess that's life.

I'm controlling what I say. These days, I choose to remain silent on what I think shouldn't be said, or meaningless stuff I'd say to fill up the conversation. It's not because I want to know if people would be the ones starting conversations or keeping them, but I've seen that people depend on me to carry on the conversation. I don't mind, but sometimes I end up saying way more than I should have, and as I realize it, I keep asking myself why did I say all of that? I'm learning to let go.

A lot of deep stuff here. Don't know how to process all of these emotions. I'm not depressed, truly! I'm content somehow.
And I still believe:
"Its better to say too much, Than never say what you need to say" - John Mayer

*This is to be ignored I think, I have no idea what I wanted to say but had to say something anyway because I need it out of my head. Yet, I feel there's something to be said I just need to know how to say it*


Ruqaiya said...

I feel you!I talk ALOT wallah, and when I don't show up to work for a day, everyone calls to find out if everything is alright.
We're unique.... in a very special way ofcourse :)

Unknown said...

Babe..I feel so sorry for you. Whether or not you're content. Listen, I'm not at all good with advice, but I'm going to talk from a personal experience and point of view:
I know exactly what you mean about moving on, you know I'm a senior in college and right now I'm spending my last days as a student, ever. When I was in school, I never really liked it because we had awful things like drugs and sexuality and such, leaving it was honestly one great thing! My life in college wasn't that great either, but I learned to take the best out of everyone, I've changed so much just by seeing people and how they talked and acted. It's not really about being mature or not, it's probably about not being blinded with fear of change. Open your eyes to the world, you'll realize it's not that bad of a place after all :)
My best friends in school were lost, the ones I was never ever close to became close to me after uni, which you'll also find, it's surprising but lovely.
You have to let go of the things that you've always kept holding on to in fear of change..and I promise you'll find the future even better insha'allah =)

I hope I made some sense because I tend to talk nonsense a lot these days :D
Love you A LOT. and keep rocking babe =) <3