Monday, April 20, 2009
I'd like to experience the life where you always need to have an umbrella in your bag
Never knowing when it might rain. Where I can sit for hours in the park under the huge, long trees and simply get lost in the book in my hands. Take long walks on the streets, and simply get lost between the people. Shop in a market, not in shopping malls. Be able to watch the sunset.
This is how I hope my life would turn out to be, some of these things I can have control over, and others I may not. But I truly hope it turns out that way. I do think I live in my head most of the time!!! I'm not a very dreamy person, but when it comes to the life I'd like to lead in the future, I have a very decided image.
What I struggle the most with is however what I'll be doing in my life-to-be. Is it so important to have a clear image of that too? Why can't I simply continue my dreaming without knowing what I'll be doing. Can I simply live life; reading, and taking long walks? That wouldn't do though. Because then what? I know the sound of such a life is certainly appealing, but I think too much of myself to spend my life in that somewhat idle way.
It's truly hard to contemplate what I want to study and do with my life. I talk about that a lot, but here is the probably the right place since there won't be any person going like ":O You don't know what you want to study? Well, you should by now!" It's frustrating how people react when they know I don't have a clear "purpose". The purpose, however, needs to meet their standards of what a "purpose" is. And that is, a major that you "have" to be highly interested in and want to work in that field. What if my idea of a purpose differed from theirs? What if my idea of a purpose meant me going off changing the world? I know it's become somewhat of a cliche, saying that I want to change the world. I will rephrase though, how about simply experiencing different things and making sure that people were affected by these experiences in a good way?
It is indeed too vague an idea to be pursued. Everything's so undecided that it leaves me in great confusion, I know there will come a time where I'll need to make a choice of where and what I'll be studying. I don't think you know how frightening it can be sometimes to simply think of the notion and of the possibility of choosing something to please others and ending up stuck with that. What makes it much easier to bear, is the fact that my work towards making my mark in this world is in no way connected to what I'll by studying or what will my job be. It's a huge relief to be fully aware of that fact. It makes my mind at ease.
I know I should have a clear plan ahead of me. I am an ambitious person, and I have enough personality to actually decide something and stick to it. However the realization of such thoughts is disappointing.
What am I to do with myself?
I'm not such a hopeless case really. I'm too positive to let this thinking get me down, but it is inevitable to be expressing this, to actually show myself I'm not the careless person I sometimes think I am when I think of my future "major".