The Middle

Don't you just feel like having someone sing this for you? Well, I do! And, I'll sing it to myself:

It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright. (alright)

The Middle
Jimmy Eat World
(Was introduced to it by ViC*
Thanks a lot for that! )

^^ From me, to all of you out there!

Purpose

I'd like to experience the life where you always need to have an umbrella in your bag
Never knowing when it might rain. Where I can sit for hours in the park under the huge, long trees and simply get lost in the book in my hands. Take long walks on the streets, and simply get lost between the people. Shop in a market, not in shopping malls. Be able to watch the sunset.
This is how I hope my life would turn out to be, some of these things I can have control over, and others I may not. But I truly hope it turns out that way. I do think I live in my head most of the time!!! I'm not a very dreamy person, but when it comes to the life I'd like to lead in the future, I have a very decided image.
What I struggle the most with is however what I'll be doing in my life-to-be. Is it so important to have a clear image of that too? Why can't I simply continue my dreaming without knowing what I'll be doing. Can I simply live life; reading, and taking long walks? That wouldn't do though. Because then what? I know the sound of such a life is certainly appealing, but I think too much of myself to spend my life in that somewhat idle way.
It's truly hard to contemplate what I want to study and do with my life. I talk about that a lot, but here is the probably the right place since there won't be any person going like ":O You don't know what you want to study? Well, you should by now!" It's frustrating how people react when they know I don't have a clear "purpose". The purpose, however, needs to meet their standards of what a "purpose" is. And that is, a major that you "have" to be highly interested in and want to work in that field. What if my idea of a purpose differed from theirs? What if my idea of a purpose meant me going off changing the world? I know it's become somewhat of a cliche, saying that I want to change the world. I will rephrase though, how about simply experiencing different things and making sure that people were affected by these experiences in a good way?
It is indeed too vague an idea to be pursued. Everything's so undecided that it leaves me in great confusion, I know there will come a time where I'll need to make a choice of where and what I'll be studying. I don't think you know how frightening it can be sometimes to simply think of the notion and of the possibility of choosing something to please others and ending up stuck with that. What makes it much easier to bear, is the fact that my work towards making my mark in this world is in no way connected to what I'll by studying or what will my job be. It's a huge relief to be fully aware of that fact. It makes my mind at ease.

I know I should have a clear plan ahead of me. I am an ambitious person, and I have enough personality to actually decide something and stick to it. However the realization of such thoughts is disappointing.
What am I to do with myself?

I'm not such a hopeless case really. I'm too positive to let this thinking get me down, but it is inevitable to be expressing this, to actually show myself I'm not the careless person I sometimes think I am when I think of my future "major".

Villette

"Happiness is the cure - a cheerful mind the preventive: cultivate both."
No Mockery in this world ever sounds to me so hollow as that of being told to cultivate happiness. What does such advice mean? Happiness is not a potato, to be planted in mould, and tilled with manure. Happiness is a glory shinning far down upon us out of heaven. She is a divine dew which the soul, on certain of its summer mornings, feels dropping down upon it from the amaranth bloom and golden fruitage of Paradise.
"Cultivate happiness?" I said briefly to the doctor: 'do you cultivate happiness? How do you manage it?"
"I am a cheerful fellow by nature: and then ill-luck has never dogged me. Adversity gave me and my mother one passing scowl and brush, but we defied her, or rather laughed at her, and she went by."
"There is no cultivation in all this."
"I do not give way to melancholy."

From Villette by Charlotte Bronte
Wordsworth Classics

رسالة من المنفى - محمود درويش

This is a poem by the Palestinian poet Mahmoud Darwish. It's called 'A letter from exile'. As soon as I read it I fell in love with it. We have it in our Arabic textbook, and I never knew I had a love for poetry, but this is beyond words. Truly it's amazing, and it's such a pity I couldn't find any translation of it in English. It's too beautiful.

تحيةً.. وقبلةً
وليسَ عندي ما أقولُ بعدْ
من أينَ أبتدي؟ وأينَ أنتهي؟..
ودورةُ الزمانِ دونَ حدّ
وكلُّ ما في غربتي
زوّادةٌ، فيها رغيفٌ يابسٌ، ووَجدْ
ودفترٌ يحملُ عنّي بعضَ ما حملتْ
بصقتُ في صفحاتهِ ما ضاقَ بي من حقدْ
من أينَ أبتدي؟
وكلُّ ما قيلَ وما يقالْ بعدَ غدْ
لا ينتهي بضمّةٍ.. أو لمسةٍ من يدْ
لا يُرجعُ الغريبَ للديار
لا يُنزلُ الأمطار
لا يُنبتُ الريشَ على
جناحِ طيرٍ ضائعٍ.. منهدّ
من أينَ أبتدي؟
تحيةً.. وقبلةً.. وبعدْ..


-2-

أقولُ للمذياع.. قلْ لها أنا بخيرْ
أقولُ للعصفورِ
إن صادفتَها يا طيرْ
لا تنسني، وقلْ بخيرْ
أنا بخيرْ
أنا بخيرْ
ما زال في عينيَّ بصرْ!
ما زالَ في السّما قمرْ!
وثوبي العتيق، حتى الآنَ، ما اندثرْ
تمزقت أطرافهُ
لكنني رتقتهُ.. ولم يزلْ بخيرْ
وصرتُ شاباً جاوزَ العشرين
تصوريني.. صرتُ في العشرينْ
وصرتُ كالشبابِ يا أمّاه
أواجهُ الحياه
وأحملُ العبءَ كما الرجالُ يحملونْ
وأشتغل
في مطعمٍ.. وأغسلُ الصحون.
وأصنعُ القهوةَ للزبونْ
وألصقُ البسماتِ فوق وجهيَ الحزينْ
ليفرحَ الزبونْ


-3-

أنا بخيرْ
قد صرتُ في العشرينْ
وصرتُ كالشباب يا أمّاه
أدخّنُ التبغَ، وأتّكي على الجدارْ
أقولُ للحلوةِ: آه
كما يقولُ الآخرونْ
« يا إخوتي، ما أطيبَ البنات،
تصوروا كم مُرَّةٌ هيَ الحياة
بدونهنَّ.. مُرّة هي الحياة »
وقالَ صاحبي: « هل عندكم رغيف؟
يا إخوتي؛ ما قيمةُ الإنسانْ
إن نامَ كلَّ ليلةٍ.. جوعانْ؟ »
أنا بخيرْ
أنا بخيرْ
عندي رغيفٌ أسمر
وسلّةٌ صغيرةٌ من الخضار


-4-

سمعتُ في المذياعْ
تحيةَ المشرّدينَ.. للمشرّدينْ
قالَ الجميعُ: كلّنا بخيرْ
لا أحدٌ حزينْ ؛
فكيفَ حالُ والدي؟
ألمْ يزَلْ كعهدهِ، يحبُّ ذكرَ الله
والأبناءَ.. والترابَ.. والزيتون؟
وكيفَ حالُ إخوتي
هل أصبحوا موظفين؟
سمعتُ يوماً والدي يقولْ:
سيصبحونَ كلهم معلمين…
سمعتهُ يقول:
(أجوعُ حتى أشتري لهم كتاب)
لا أحد في قريتي يفكُّ حرفاً في خطاب
وكيفَ حالُ أختنا
هل كبرتْ.. وجاءها خُطّاب؟
وكيفَ حالُ جدّتي
ألم تزلْ كعهدها تقعدُ عندَ البابْ؟
تدعو لنا…
بالخيرِ.. والشبابِ.. والثوابْ!
وكيفَ حالُ بيتنا
والعتبةِ الملساء.. والوجاقِ.. والأبوابْ؟
سمعتُ في المذياعْ
رسائل المشرّدينَ.. للمشردينْ
جميعهم بخيرْ!
لكنني حزينْ..
تكادُ أن تأكلَني الظنونْ
لم يحملِ المذياعُ عنكم خبراً..
ولو حزينْ
ولو حزينْ


-5-

الليلُ – يا أمّاهُ – ذئبٌ جائعٌ سفّاحْ
يطاردُ الغريبَ أينما مضى..
ويفتحُ الآفاقَ للأشباحْ
وغابةُ الصفصافِ لم تزلْ تعانقُ الرياحْ
ماذا جنينا نحنُ يا أماهْ؟
حتّى نموتَ مرّتين
فمرّةً نموتُ في الحياة
ومرةً نموتُ عندَ الموتْ!
هل تعلمينَ ما الذي يملأني بكاء؟
هَبي مرضتُ ليلةً.. وهدَّ جسمي الداء!
هل يذكرُ المساءْ
مهاجراً أتى هنا.. ولم يعدْ إلى الوطن؟
هل يذكر المساءْ
مهاجراً ماتَ بلا كفنْ؟
يا غابةَ الصفصاف! هل ستذكرين
أن الذي رَموْه تحتَ ظلّكِ الحزينْ
-كأيِّ شيءٍ ميّتٍ – إنسانْ؟
هل تذكرينَ أنني إنسانْ
وتحفظينَ جثتي من سطوةِ الغربانْ؟
أمّاهُ يا أماه.
لمن كتبتُ هذهِ الأوراق
أيُّ بريدٍ ذاهبٍ يحملها؟
سُدَّت طريقُ البرِّ والبحارِ والآفاقْ..
وأنتِ يا أمّاه
ووالدي، وإخوتي، والأهلُ، والرفاقْ..
لعلّكم أحياءْ
لعلّكم أمواتْ
لعلّكم مثلي بلا عنوانْ
ما قيمةُ الإنسان
بلا وطن
بلا علَمْ
ودونما عنوانْ
ما قيمةُ الإنسانْ؟

محمود درويش

"What is the happiest moment of your life?"

Why are we expected to summarize our personality, life, experiences, joys and sorrows into a few lines? How come it's natural to be asked 'What is the happiest moment of your life?' and being expected to answer it as if the person was asking you 'How are you?'

I don't know why it annoyed me when my teacher asked what is the happiest moment of your life? It's tough to have a flash of your life passing in front of your eyes so that you can pick a happiest moment and share it with everyone. I ended up blurting out a few happenings in my life that I knew the teacher would somehow accept and not question me any further. Maybe I was partly annoyed because I didn't find a moment right there and then. You know how it is in movies when the lead character says 'Right then I knew what I wanted to be...' or 'That moment was the happiest in my life...' or 'I realized then that....' It's frustrating because that never happened to me, and I don't know why do I expect it to. My life isn't a movie, and so it is natural to take it's own course. Still, maybe it's because I haven't had such a moment yet, or because I simply don't appreciate happenings as they ought to be rightly appreciated.
Even though this incident happened a few weeks back, I still ponder upon it sometimes. I find it difficult to describe myself, or my life or anything of the sort. Maybe because I'm sure I would end up doing injustice to myself (if that's possible) or to the life I lead.

This frustration of mine may be coming out of the fact that I have a hard time expressing myself, or saying the right thing for that matter. I never seem to be able to succeed with talking about my life, is it because I find it event less? Because somehow it is. Or maybe it is because it is eventful, but events are not what I can tell others since they are the day-to-day events.
I am getting too obscure I know.
But tell me, isn't it annoying when you're expected to put all the experiences you've had throughout the journey of your life in a few words? At least I find it to be so, and even shall I persuaded to talk about myself, my life or any experience I've had, know that I shall never do it justice for how can you put into words what went through your mind? It can not be. Indeed it can not.

It's such a relief to get all of this out, it's been on my mind for a long time now and I think it's better said out loud and shared with people so that maybe voicing it out loud may shed some light on it.

Of English

At English we have to do a presentation about something, and a dialogue. Both sould be done "creatively". It's easy, but the hardest part always seems to be choosing a topic and sticking to it.
I try to choose topics about "saving the world!!!!"

This semester my presentation was about whaling. It was great, because I got to know more about it. I even made two fliers and ended up while heating up and ending my presentation with a flier that said 'Save Whales!' I held it upside down and until my classmates told me I didn't know it. But on the whole I think I did well.

Now coming to the dialogue. I wrote it about the fact that over 25,000 children die everyday. I think it went well too. We said during the dialogue that we should offer our prayers, donate, care about these children and try to do our best to show them that we care. At the end my English teacher commented saying: "Yes! It's a very important topic. But girls what can we do? We can only pray for them, right?"
I was staring at her when she said that with my mouth wide open. Prayers are really important, but our religion preaches the fact that you can't simply pray and wish for something to happen while sitting and waiting for it. You have to do whatever you can to make it happen. All of the things we said about the issue and she simply shook it off saying she can do nothing but wish the condition of the children of the world gets better. I swear sometimes I just feel like standing up to a teacher and pour my heart out on what she says and why I think it wrong! But then again, I say I know better than telling her something she'll think it rude and will forget it by the end of the day.

But it is frustrating seeing how some people seem to think we can do nothing for the betterment of the world outside of our homes. Don't they know it's our obligation to the less fortunate? It's down-right wrong.