She left the building. Her body was cold from the air-conctioners. She knew she was lucky and couldn't complain. Yet, the wave of heat was welcomed. She sensed how even her bones were chilled, felt the heat trying to remove that coolness.
A line from a song played in her head, "Thoughts of you, they warm my bones." What did that truly feel like? She knew she was fooling herself. She not only wanted to feel chilled because of cold weather, she wanted to be warmed by that cozy feeling. These thoughts didn't occur so often, yet were there. Love. What did she know? Nothing. It wasn't important. Right now, there was her future to contemplate. It was going somewhere, this thought reassured her, but where? How was one supposed to know anyway? It was definitely vague, not very clear.
Future images of herself were almost nonexistence. Did other people have future images of themselves, or did they not? Could she ask? Dare she ask? Why not? Could it pop up in a conversation, it most certainly could. Yet, the need for the right moment to introduce the question, the right mood of her friends, she always ruined such questions or thoughts, remembered to voice them at the wrong time and the urge to share them became too much. Once they were out, she regretted it. The precious thought became silly, was lost in the loud conversation and she was left wondering why couldn't she keep a thought to herself?
Everyone could do it, it seemed easy enough but why was it so difficult for her? To be completely honest, it wasn't like she tried that hard, didn't even know what it felt like to keep a deep though to herself. That made her feel empty inside, though it wasn't true that feeling of emptiness never left her.
Yet she knew the thought of sitting outside was silly. She wouldn't endure the heat, and that it would make her upset. She couldn't shake it off though. Sitting alone out there, simply being. How could one resist thinking of it? Soon, these thoughts drifted away and were replaced by a vague, familiar feeling. Inside of her head, life went on. Outside though, she wasn't so sure. There was life outside. People, friends, family and so much to live for.
True enough, there was her sister picking her up. She saw the car, and all she could think of was going home.
A line from a song played in her head, "Thoughts of you, they warm my bones." What did that truly feel like? She knew she was fooling herself. She not only wanted to feel chilled because of cold weather, she wanted to be warmed by that cozy feeling. These thoughts didn't occur so often, yet were there. Love. What did she know? Nothing. It wasn't important. Right now, there was her future to contemplate. It was going somewhere, this thought reassured her, but where? How was one supposed to know anyway? It was definitely vague, not very clear.
Future images of herself were almost nonexistence. Did other people have future images of themselves, or did they not? Could she ask? Dare she ask? Why not? Could it pop up in a conversation, it most certainly could. Yet, the need for the right moment to introduce the question, the right mood of her friends, she always ruined such questions or thoughts, remembered to voice them at the wrong time and the urge to share them became too much. Once they were out, she regretted it. The precious thought became silly, was lost in the loud conversation and she was left wondering why couldn't she keep a thought to herself?
Everyone could do it, it seemed easy enough but why was it so difficult for her? To be completely honest, it wasn't like she tried that hard, didn't even know what it felt like to keep a deep though to herself. That made her feel empty inside, though it wasn't true that feeling of emptiness never left her.
Yet she knew the thought of sitting outside was silly. She wouldn't endure the heat, and that it would make her upset. She couldn't shake it off though. Sitting alone out there, simply being. How could one resist thinking of it? Soon, these thoughts drifted away and were replaced by a vague, familiar feeling. Inside of her head, life went on. Outside though, she wasn't so sure. There was life outside. People, friends, family and so much to live for.
True enough, there was her sister picking her up. She saw the car, and all she could think of was going home.
22/6/2011
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