I’ve gone a shade darker (or a few, but who cares really). Blaming the sun isn’t the answer, I could’ve used a stronger sunblock but the thing is, my daily intake of sunshine doesn’t exceed the two minute walks I take to the Lecture hall. Anyway, increased melatonin secretion will do that to you (as well as living in this part of the world). My sister was the one who pointed it out, when I stare at my reflection, which is not infrequent, I usually look at how tired my eyes look, my nose, my hair, my hair and my hair. I have hair issues, but don’t we all? Except if you’ve got your own hair stylist, then you’re exempt from hair issues, but not from my envy.
Figs. I’ve been craving figs for ages now, I think this state will go on forever. There doesn’t seem to be figs around. I ate a dried fig last night, you know to compensate a little for my hunger for figs. I saw a dead ant inside. I’m sorry I don’t mean to disgust you but bear with me. I thought if I didn’t look at the fig, if I was absorbed watching TV, if I just ate it, that ant would be inside of me now. God sometimes makes us see things, he makes us notice little things. He opens our eyes for a minute to protect us, when for so long our eyes are so blinded. We never see life around us and we complain we’re not “living”. It’s our souls that are blinded, not our eyes. We see clearly. We see the colors, we watch the movies, we read the books, we just never notice anything. Every few weeks, I home back home by the bus. The ride takes over 2 hours. I still don’t know the road well after nearly a year of living there. I don’t like the road at all, I hate going back to the hostel, and I miss my family. These thoughts are always there on my mind, they stop my from noticing things on the road.
It’s not just that. At times, if you asked me what color my tooth brush is, I’d take a few minutes to remember. I never learn the way to any place we go to, and I drive now so it’s kind of an issue. I never pay attention. I feel my head crammed with so many nonsense and I never have in my head what I need to remember. I don’t have ‘be kind’ or ‘do good’ playing in my head, I don’t remember to be patient until after I’ve expressed my frustration and complained. A second to take things in before they’re tagged and labeled by my ever-so-ready brain. A second to appreciate things is all I need to take.
I feel I need to go inside my brain and de-clutter it. Throw away all the things I don't need.
Till then, I'll keep craving figs and trying to take deeper breaths and sharpen my gaze.