Friday, July 19, 2013


We try to polish our image, knowing we're not perfect. We need validation from others to go on. We polish it even by trying to make ourselves look bad, consciously and unconsciously. The problem with this polishing is how superficial it is, we don't look from the inside, we look at our reflection in people's minds and go from there. People regard us as 'good' because of them, not because of us. Are we innately good or bad? I always argued in favor of us being good, and still if I had to discuss this my mind would always go towards the "goodness". But when it comes to applying this to you, things get confusing. You're not as clear cut as the fundamental question itself.

One day a few months ago, I was upset for some reason. I really couldn't talk or be near anyone. Unfortunately that time, I was too upset to hide it well. One of my friends tried to hug me, but I was so far off. I couldn't feel the warmth of the hug, I couldn't appreciate the tenderness with which it was given, I was so far gone into my world that I just wanted to break free. I wanted out. I was going to cry, because of a hug, because I didn't want it, because how unfair it seemed to me that I was getting suffocated and how unfair it was to her that I was inwardly rejecting this hug. It happens with other situations, I try to view myself from the outside, and I can't find another explanation for how often people forgive these misgivings than their innate goodness.

How good am I innately, to want others to let me do them good but refuse to accept their goodness? It's confusing, and it's not where I hoped to find myself in life. It's not an image you like of yourself, it's a thought you keep pushing away, it's a memory your mind refuses to accept.
Refusing kindness because it wasn't the right time for me, as if kindness has to be timed and acted according to my personal needs.It's curious to see how your values not matching to how you act. Fearing the person you've become.

I need to re-evaluate me as a friend.


deppy said...

That's a beautiful and powerful example!

Regardless, I don't think there is something wrong with rejecting some actions, traits (and even people) if they happen to suffocate you. Accepting others is something, smothering yourself is another. And doesn't have to meet at any given point of time. They're two sides of the same coin.

Noor said...

Thank you, my secret therapist.
Actually you have a point, but i can't help feeling bad because of how i reject kindness.
it's hard to look at both sides of the coin at the same time, you either see heads or tails. and that is the problem.