Driving

Last July I got my driver's license. I've been legally driving for a year now, and I really thought time will make me a confident driver who enjoys driving. Truth of the matter is, I don't really enjoy driving. I'm stressed most of the time and the cars on the road each presents a danger. I don't think of it as a way to let go of stress, or clear my head.

I'd rather be seated in the backseat and someone take me where I want to go. Car rides are usually a good thing, they make you look at the scenery, see the cars passing by, have time to contemplate. Imagine someone who takes refuge in the backseat of a car goes to not just the front seat, but to the driver's seat. Funny how life forces you out of your comfort zone to teach you things.
However, having my own license, and recently, mom's car has its benefits. You don't have to ask your family to get out of their way to drop you and come back to get you.

It's not without it's funny stories though. Just at the other day, going early to the hospital. I made the mistake of going inside to park the car. I stepped in too keenly and then the front got hooked to the pavement.I didn't think that was ever possible, but it happened.
I suck at directions, and even on the way back home I find myself asking which way should I be going. It can get a little annoying but I'm slow at processing a few things in life, and directions is one of them. 

I need a personal driver, don't you guys think so? 

Retrospect

We try to polish our image, knowing we're not perfect. We need validation from others to go on. We polish it even by trying to make ourselves look bad, consciously and unconsciously. The problem with this polishing is how superficial it is, we don't look from the inside, we look at our reflection in people's minds and go from there. People regard us as 'good' because of them, not because of us. Are we innately good or bad? I always argued in favor of us being good, and still if I had to discuss this my mind would always go towards the "goodness". But when it comes to applying this to you, things get confusing. You're not as clear cut as the fundamental question itself.

One day a few months ago, I was upset for some reason. I really couldn't talk or be near anyone. Unfortunately that time, I was too upset to hide it well. One of my friends tried to hug me, but I was so far off. I couldn't feel the warmth of the hug, I couldn't appreciate the tenderness with which it was given, I was so far gone into my world that I just wanted to break free. I wanted out. I was going to cry, because of a hug, because I didn't want it, because how unfair it seemed to me that I was getting suffocated and how unfair it was to her that I was inwardly rejecting this hug. It happens with other situations, I try to view myself from the outside, and I can't find another explanation for how often people forgive these misgivings than their innate goodness.

How good am I innately, to want others to let me do them good but refuse to accept their goodness? It's confusing, and it's not where I hoped to find myself in life. It's not an image you like of yourself, it's a thought you keep pushing away, it's a memory your mind refuses to accept.
Refusing kindness because it wasn't the right time for me, as if kindness has to be timed and acted according to my personal needs.It's curious to see how your values not matching to how you act. Fearing the person you've become.

I need to re-evaluate me as a friend.

أعمالنا لله

رمضان مبارك عالجميع.
دائماً نتمنى من رمضان أن يكون أفضل من الذي أسلف، لكن بنهايته نجد أنفسنا نعلق أمالاً بالقادم. و نحن لا نضمن لنا غداً.
نحاول أن نساعد أنفسنا و نساعد من حولنا بأي طريقة كانت. نصلي، نقرأ قرآن، نبتسم، ننصح. لا ندري أي من هذه الأعمال سننال منه رضى الله.
من المؤسف أن يذهب تعبنا هباء. نعمل خيراً و ننشر عملنا: نخبر أهلنا و أصدقائنا به. نكتب عنه على الفيسبوك أو تويتر. بطريقة مباشرة أو غير مباشرة، قد تكون نيتنا صافية بأننا نريد دفع الأخرين على فعل الخير، لكن قد يضيع عملنا بنشره لأننا نريد ثناءً أو أن نرضي غرورنا، أو نشكل صورة حسنة عن أنفسنا لدى الآخرين. و من المفروض أن يكون عملنا لوجه الله خالصاً.
من مشكلة هذه المواقع أننا نشر حياتنا بشكل علني، و لا ضير في ذلك، لا ضير في نشرنا للخير و لدعاء قد يفيد غيرنا، لنصيحة قد يعمل بها غيرنا فيستفسد بها و ننتفع نحن بالمقابل.
لكن أرجو أن تفكر قبل أن تتكلم عن عملك الخيري، أرجو أن تتذكر حث الرسول لنا على أن "لا تعلم شمالك ما أنفقت يمينك"

Sun & figs

I’ve gone a shade darker (or a few, but who cares really). Blaming the sun isn’t the answer, I could’ve used a stronger sunblock but the thing is, my daily intake of sunshine doesn’t exceed the two minute walks I take to the Lecture hall. Anyway, increased melatonin secretion will do that to you (as well as living in this part of the world). My sister was the one who pointed it out, when I stare at my reflection, which is not infrequent, I usually look at how tired my eyes look, my nose, my hair, my hair and my hair. I have hair issues, but don’t we all? Except if you’ve got your own hair stylist, then you’re exempt from hair issues, but not from my envy.

Figs. I’ve been craving figs for ages now, I think this state will go on forever. There doesn’t seem to be figs around. I ate a dried fig last night, you know to compensate a little for my hunger for figs. I saw a dead ant inside. I’m sorry I don’t mean to disgust you but bear with me. I thought if I didn’t look at the fig, if I was absorbed watching TV, if I just ate it, that ant would be inside of me now. God sometimes makes us see things, he makes us notice little things. He opens our eyes for a minute to protect us, when for so long our eyes are so blinded. We never see life around us and we complain we’re not “living”. It’s our souls that are blinded, not our eyes. We see clearly. We see the colors, we watch the movies, we read the books, we just never notice anything. Every few weeks, I home back home by the bus. The ride takes over 2 hours. I still don’t know the road well after nearly a year of living there. I don’t like the road at all, I hate going back to the hostel, and I miss my family. These thoughts are always there on my mind, they stop my from noticing things on the road.

It’s not just that. At times, if you asked me what color my tooth brush is, I’d take a few minutes to remember. I never learn the way to any place we go to, and I drive now so it’s kind of an issue. I never pay attention. I feel my head crammed with so many nonsense and I never have in my head what I need to remember. I don’t have ‘be kind’ or ‘do good’ playing in my head, I don’t remember to be patient until after I’ve expressed my frustration and complained. A second to take things in before they’re tagged and labeled by my ever-so-ready brain. A second to appreciate things is all I need to take. 

 I feel I need to go inside my brain and de-clutter it. Throw away all the things I don't need. 

Till then, I'll keep craving figs and trying to take deeper breaths and sharpen my gaze.