Friday, October 21, 2011


If every building falls  
And all the stars fade  
We'll still be singing this song  
The one they can't take away
 Closer To Love - Mat Kearney

See, at first, you'll have a hold on me if I care for you. No, wait. You'll always have a hold on my if I care for you, but that's a very dangerous thing to tell about myself. You might take advantage of it without knowing it yourself. What you say will be taken very seriously. Yet, I always manage to rise above and remind myself that all I really need is myself. Me being there for myself at times is what gets me through. It's not that I don't want to reach out. I do, and you help. I just like being there for myself sometimes. Knowing I can be enough if  (when?) left alone. My thoughts will torture me at first but they'll become a comfort zone, I can then silence them and tell them to be calm. Tell myself to be calm. It's just a phase. It'll go away, because you know what? It's actually normal. What's not normal is thinking it's wrong to feel this way. How can one live like that? How did I manage? I've no idea to be honest. I still struggle with convincing myself that it's ok to be depressed sometimes. A lot of confessions here, I need to stop leaving so much inside. You need to know. The world must hear this. The world cares not most of the time, but that is never the point. 

I look tired lately and I need to gain weight. Oh the junk food my body's been exposed to. I haven't had a hearty breakfast at home since so long. I miss my parents. I have exams. I've been living in the bedroom. I need a book that makes me sob in bed, I need that. I haven't stared out at a windowpane in what seems like a lifetime. Please God make it rain. I'm still here, but away. I still remember. I listen. Sometimes everything gets so tiring, I'd like to drop whatever I'm doing and stare into space. Look at the wall. See through a person. I can't make myself write one word lately nor pick up a book. Today this has changed. Let's not jynx it. I try and fail. It happens. I don't even try and there I get what I want. Life, eh? 

Should we dwell a bit on people or emotions? Neither perhaps. The world speaks for itself. It listens of course, but it's like when you're talking to your mom in the kitchen. You get heated up, you passionately tell everything, she cares and she's occupied with taking care of you. You get frustrated and speak even faster till she interrupts you to tell you move out of the way. Yet, she's listening and there you are thinking how silly everything you just uttered and want to thank her then and there, that is if you weren't too frustrated with the fact that you didn't finish what you had to say. I think I stopped making sense somewhere above but to me, this makes perfect sense. And today's about me, I wrote this for me. You see, I need me right now. And I'll risk sounding self-centered again. I don't know what it is. Let's just end this walk in my head. I bid you farewell. Myself cares for the world, by the way. Just thought you should know.

Dedicated to Noor for not giving up on me writing. 

1 comment:

Windswept Dreams said...

"No, wait. You'll always have a hold on me if I care for you"

I loved this line the most, it's so true don't you think? Well obviously you must think that seeins as you wrote it! I feel like doing an Anne of Green Gables and going off tangent, which I suppose is what I'm doing. But seeing as it's dedicated to me I can ramble shgad ma areed :D

I find it astonishing how you can rise above such thoughts, they plague me for a very long time <3