Places

I'm here.
There's a train due south somewhere, the trip takes hours and it's just about empty. The scenery is breath-taking, hills. Green hills. I'm inside with a book, but I drift on and off into the pages. Two kids pass the cabinet by, one chasing the other. My soul longs to engage in a childhood game, but there's no one to share that joy with. I smile nonetheless, innocence still stands.

I'm there.
They're here. Isn't here where you are? But the you means I, and so I should be here but I'm not. I want to be here, but I'm half-here half-there. I'm always in between. It's as if I was destined to be some sort of link to things, or people. In essence, I'm not myself linked to anything by itself, I stay because of the things I protect, the things I keep glued together. The role I play isn't entirely my own. I can't claim the play mine merely because I play a role in order for it to continue.

She's away.
Life abides outside her window, darkness pressing itself all around her. She walks barefoot to make sure she's connected to things around her. You're here, she reminds herself. Don't drift away again.

He's out there.
You can't be sure where exactly. He dwells here and there. Unlike me, he's not in between. He's on an end, the giving and receiving end. He doesn't merely exist, he's alive. You may not understand, who does anyway?

You're all around.
Someday I will cling to you, tug at your sleeve, give you a tired smile, look at you through my own eyes, forget what the world says, laugh at all your jokes, share all my secrets, cry passionately, demand and ask the impossible of you. You'll do the same, and together we'll be... honest.

They belong in your heart. They nourish there, your heart holds them most fervently. 

Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

"A certain thought was swelling in my head, growing until I couldn't ignore it any longer. I wanted to turn away from it; but I was powerless to stop that thought from taking over my mind as the wind is to stop itself from blowing."

"If a few minutes of suffering could make me so angry, what would years of it do? Even stone can be worn down with enough rain."


"Some people have difficulty telling the difference between something great and something they've simply heard of."

"We lead our lives like water flowing down a hill, going more or less in one direction until we splash into something that forces us to find new course."

"This is why dreams can be such dangerous things: they smolder on like a fire does, and sometimes consume us completely."

"I stumbled out into the courtyard to try to flee my misery, but of course we can never flee the misery that is within us."

|What if I came to the end of my life and realized that I'd spent every day watching for a man who would never come to me? What an unbearable sorrow it would be, to realize I'd never really tasted the things I'd eaten, or seen the places I'd been, because I thought of nothing but the chairman even while my life was drifting away from me. And yet if I drew my thoughts back from him, what life would I have? I would be like a dancer who had practiced since childhood for a performance she would never give."



PS1: Memoirs of a Geisha is a must-read.
PS2: Thanks to Maryam for lending me her copy, <3

Of 18-01-2012

- Finished 1st semester of second year. One of the toughest ever (considering I only have two other semesters to compare it with doesn't say much but still, I'm alive!).
- Tried Sushi for the first time ever. Weird, not that bad. I can become a fan. (off things-to-do-before-i-die list, trying something new felt so good.)
- Had black nail polish on (the past tense of put which is...put... doesn't make sense to me.)
- Had sugar-free chocolate ice-cream, and the day was quite cold... (just because that was the only type of chocolate ice-cream they had).
- Read more than 50 pages of Memoirs of a Geisha, I can say I got hooked then. I started writing down quotes like a maniac. Happy times.
- Talked to friends I've lost in touch with because of exams. Voice chat with a friend we haven't seen in a year and a half. Happy times again.
- Watched Ides of March, just because of George Clooney and Ryan Gosling. Turned out a pretty good movie actually, and I got it. Huge achievement.
- Wrote emails.

Good day, no in fact, wonderful day. Let's make every day count.

An Umbrella

He spotted me drenched in the rain, offered me his umbrella. He held it, and time stopped. We were protected from the storm, together. I hardly remember anything about him now, except how he kept his gaze away from my face. Perhaps that was only my imagination running wild. We didn't talk. He didn't know I was utterly forsaken, that I was always misunderstood, that now, more than ever I need kindness. What does a stranger know about your life? What do you know about a stranger's life? Nothing. A shared moment was all it was. He looked at his watch, gave what might have been a sigh. He left the umbrella in my care, apologized and left because he was late for something. As he was taking his first steps away, I mumbled a thank you. He waved me off. I felt a depressing weight descend upon me, the one you feel when you can't change the course of events taking place in front of your eyes, when you want time to stop to carry out something of the utmost importance; showing gratitude... He was already gone.

I started walking aimlessly, thinking of absolutely nothing. I welcomed any thought, but my brain cells refused to respond. They wanted me to listen to the rain as it hit the ground fiercely. They thought I might find comfort there. It was getting dark and I had no idea where I was. Why didn't he wait till I was safe and sound in a bus that led me to a place that was nowhere near home? Why would this change everything for me? The questions that would soon haunt me every once and a while.

I'm having lunch at my favorite place. It's the summer now, and it never rained again that winter. I have the umbrella in my bag. I'm not one to hold on to material things. Memories need nothing to be triggered into play in my head. The things my friends gave me over the years aren't kept in one place. They're scattered around my room. In the closet, on the desk, on my bookshelf. Some of us rely on things to feel connected to a dear someone or a time they cherished in their lives. A word meant more than an item, yet again these items held an enchanting power over you when your wandering eyes spotted them. There's no denying that fact.
One of my friends saw the umbrella, gave me a look. She knew it was odd for me to carry an umbrella at this time of the year. I laughed it off, told her it was because of the sun. How strange is it that I look for pieces of him in every man I see now, every man that passes me by. I'm beginning to lose the details of that moment and I'm letting myself forget. I don't want to cling to it, I know a part of me, will always cling to his kindness. I am satisfied.

One of the voices in my head

I stood in front of the mirror. I swallowed, I needed water. Stand still, I told myself. Look into your eyes. But they're so hollow and sunken. I covered my face with my hands. Then let them slide slowly to surround my neck. I was surprised by the strong pulse on the left side. I let my right hand drop. You're alive, this is proof enough. If I put my hand on my heart, will it be beating? I don't feel it anymore. Of course it is, just because you don't feel it's violent beating doesn't mean it's not actually keeping you alive. The stars are there, do you see them every night? I don't even look at the sky every night, isn't that sad? You use the word 'sad' too freely, my dear. There are more aggravating matters taking place around the world, there are those who will never hear their mom's voice again, those with no roof above their heads, those who are scared to even hope, they only have a God.  
Are we done here? Can't we talk about this while I'm staring at a book or while I try to sleep. Why don't you torment me then? Everyone else is tormented while they attempt to sleep except for us. Our head goes blank. Is that a blessing? My reflection troubles me. Don't you notice how I don't look at my eyes even as I brush my teeth. Now, don't tell me to smile. Do you worry that we have a split personality sometimes? All we do is disagree and I end up shaking my head at everything you say. Is this how it goes? One being the devil while the other is the angel? Do we switch roles? Am I always the voice of reason and you're the emotional one? Pray, who is who?  
I'm tempted to state the obvious; I don't know. Yet, we have that in common. Ignorance. Oblivion. Submission. Do you know what I want? You can't even figure that out for yourself. What now? That is your question, mine will always be 'why...?' Let's see who's answered first. Your question is too intricate, fate sometimes answers mine sooner than I expect it to. Aren't you lucky?! Hah. Go back into hiding, please.