Places

I'm here.
There's a train due south somewhere, the trip takes hours and it's just about empty. The scenery is breath-taking, hills. Green hills. I'm inside with a book, but I drift on and off into the pages. Two kids pass the cabinet by, one chasing the other. My soul longs to engage in a childhood game, but there's no one to share that joy with. I smile nonetheless, innocence still stands.

I'm there.
They're here. Isn't here where you are? But the you means I, and so I should be here but I'm not. I want to be here, but I'm half-here half-there. I'm always in between. It's as if I was destined to be some sort of link to things, or people. In essence, I'm not myself linked to anything by itself, I stay because of the things I protect, the things I keep glued together. The role I play isn't entirely my own. I can't claim the play mine merely because I play a role in order for it to continue.

She's away.
Life abides outside her window, darkness pressing itself all around her. She walks barefoot to make sure she's connected to things around her. You're here, she reminds herself. Don't drift away again.

He's out there.
You can't be sure where exactly. He dwells here and there. Unlike me, he's not in between. He's on an end, the giving and receiving end. He doesn't merely exist, he's alive. You may not understand, who does anyway?

You're all around.
Someday I will cling to you, tug at your sleeve, give you a tired smile, look at you through my own eyes, forget what the world says, laugh at all your jokes, share all my secrets, cry passionately, demand and ask the impossible of you. You'll do the same, and together we'll be... honest.

They belong in your heart. They nourish there, your heart holds them most fervently. 

Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

"A certain thought was swelling in my head, growing until I couldn't ignore it any longer. I wanted to turn away from it; but I was powerless to stop that thought from taking over my mind as the wind is to stop itself from blowing."

"If a few minutes of suffering could make me so angry, what would years of it do? Even stone can be worn down with enough rain."


"Some people have difficulty telling the difference between something great and something they've simply heard of."

"We lead our lives like water flowing down a hill, going more or less in one direction until we splash into something that forces us to find new course."

"This is why dreams can be such dangerous things: they smolder on like a fire does, and sometimes consume us completely."

"I stumbled out into the courtyard to try to flee my misery, but of course we can never flee the misery that is within us."

|What if I came to the end of my life and realized that I'd spent every day watching for a man who would never come to me? What an unbearable sorrow it would be, to realize I'd never really tasted the things I'd eaten, or seen the places I'd been, because I thought of nothing but the chairman even while my life was drifting away from me. And yet if I drew my thoughts back from him, what life would I have? I would be like a dancer who had practiced since childhood for a performance she would never give."



PS1: Memoirs of a Geisha is a must-read.
PS2: Thanks to Maryam for lending me her copy, <3

Of 18-01-2012

- Finished 1st semester of second year. One of the toughest ever (considering I only have two other semesters to compare it with doesn't say much but still, I'm alive!).
- Tried Sushi for the first time ever. Weird, not that bad. I can become a fan. (off things-to-do-before-i-die list, trying something new felt so good.)
- Had black nail polish on (the past tense of put which is...put... doesn't make sense to me.)
- Had sugar-free chocolate ice-cream, and the day was quite cold... (just because that was the only type of chocolate ice-cream they had).
- Read more than 50 pages of Memoirs of a Geisha, I can say I got hooked then. I started writing down quotes like a maniac. Happy times.
- Talked to friends I've lost in touch with because of exams. Voice chat with a friend we haven't seen in a year and a half. Happy times again.
- Watched Ides of March, just because of George Clooney and Ryan Gosling. Turned out a pretty good movie actually, and I got it. Huge achievement.
- Wrote emails.

Good day, no in fact, wonderful day. Let's make every day count.

An Umbrella

He spotted me drenched in the rain, offered me his umbrella. He held it, and time stopped. We were protected from the storm, together. I hardly remember anything about him now, except how he kept his gaze away from my face. Perhaps that was only my imagination running wild. We didn't talk. He didn't know I was utterly forsaken, that I was always misunderstood, that now, more than ever I need kindness. What does a stranger know about your life? What do you know about a stranger's life? Nothing. A shared moment was all it was. He looked at his watch, gave what might have been a sigh. He left the umbrella in my care, apologized and left because he was late for something. As he was taking his first steps away, I mumbled a thank you. He waved me off. I felt a depressing weight descend upon me, the one you feel when you can't change the course of events taking place in front of your eyes, when you want time to stop to carry out something of the utmost importance; showing gratitude... He was already gone.

I started walking aimlessly, thinking of absolutely nothing. I welcomed any thought, but my brain cells refused to respond. They wanted me to listen to the rain as it hit the ground fiercely. They thought I might find comfort there. It was getting dark and I had no idea where I was. Why didn't he wait till I was safe and sound in a bus that led me to a place that was nowhere near home? Why would this change everything for me? The questions that would soon haunt me every once and a while.

I'm having lunch at my favorite place. It's the summer now, and it never rained again that winter. I have the umbrella in my bag. I'm not one to hold on to material things. Memories need nothing to be triggered into play in my head. The things my friends gave me over the years aren't kept in one place. They're scattered around my room. In the closet, on the desk, on my bookshelf. Some of us rely on things to feel connected to a dear someone or a time they cherished in their lives. A word meant more than an item, yet again these items held an enchanting power over you when your wandering eyes spotted them. There's no denying that fact.
One of my friends saw the umbrella, gave me a look. She knew it was odd for me to carry an umbrella at this time of the year. I laughed it off, told her it was because of the sun. How strange is it that I look for pieces of him in every man I see now, every man that passes me by. I'm beginning to lose the details of that moment and I'm letting myself forget. I don't want to cling to it, I know a part of me, will always cling to his kindness. I am satisfied.

One of the voices in my head

I stood in front of the mirror. I swallowed, I needed water. Stand still, I told myself. Look into your eyes. But they're so hollow and sunken. I covered my face with my hands. Then let them slide slowly to surround my neck. I was surprised by the strong pulse on the left side. I let my right hand drop. You're alive, this is proof enough. If I put my hand on my heart, will it be beating? I don't feel it anymore. Of course it is, just because you don't feel it's violent beating doesn't mean it's not actually keeping you alive. The stars are there, do you see them every night? I don't even look at the sky every night, isn't that sad? You use the word 'sad' too freely, my dear. There are more aggravating matters taking place around the world, there are those who will never hear their mom's voice again, those with no roof above their heads, those who are scared to even hope, they only have a God.  
Are we done here? Can't we talk about this while I'm staring at a book or while I try to sleep. Why don't you torment me then? Everyone else is tormented while they attempt to sleep except for us. Our head goes blank. Is that a blessing? My reflection troubles me. Don't you notice how I don't look at my eyes even as I brush my teeth. Now, don't tell me to smile. Do you worry that we have a split personality sometimes? All we do is disagree and I end up shaking my head at everything you say. Is this how it goes? One being the devil while the other is the angel? Do we switch roles? Am I always the voice of reason and you're the emotional one? Pray, who is who?  
I'm tempted to state the obvious; I don't know. Yet, we have that in common. Ignorance. Oblivion. Submission. Do you know what I want? You can't even figure that out for yourself. What now? That is your question, mine will always be 'why...?' Let's see who's answered first. Your question is too intricate, fate sometimes answers mine sooner than I expect it to. Aren't you lucky?! Hah. Go back into hiding, please.

And again

Assume the fetal position. Lie in your bed with the lights turned off. Hug yourself as tightly as you can. Feel the heaviness of your heart in your chest. Feel it in your gut. Plead for a moment of forgetfulness. Try to make sense of how your heart swells when you're happy and how it shrinks when you're down. You wish you had control over your heart, you wish it had some sort of re-enforcement which stopped it from shrinking, something to stop the void you felt in your gut. There wasn't though, and I'm not sure what to tell you to be honest. I don't understand it.These moments when you tried to sleep, and you couldn't. Your head was empty of any thought but there were all sorts of emotions raging within, a storm that wouldn't quiet down. Suddenly you wish the lights were on, you could read, write, anything. Perhaps escape. It wasn't possible. You hugged yourself tighter. You didn't belong here, you belonged somewhere. Was that how you made yourself feel better? These chains that tied you down were getting rusty. You weren't sure whether this was a good thing, rusty meant easily breakable yet it could mean that any sort of key would no longer work. What tied you down? You were as free as anyone else. Excuses excuses.

What now? This wasn't you. The tortured soul. You were just confused. No idea about what. Saying life was confusing was a statement too vague for your state of being. What do you know of life? Perhaps more than you gave yourself credit for.

---

Come sit by my side, I'll tell you a few things. You'll understand as if you were the voice in my head. I'll have you remember me like this. A subtle being, nothing tied me down and you couldn't use one word to describe me. I was free. Bo assumptions, no expectations, no disappointments. I did everything I wanted to do, I had all the time in the world to just sit and.... think, or not think. To have that luxury.

---

The constants you longed for in your life made you wonder, were you a constant yourself? Constant to something or someone? 

A cough

``Don't keep coughing so, Kitty, for heaven's sake! Have a little compassion on my nerves. You tear them to pieces.''
``Kitty has no discretion in her coughs,'' said her father; ``she times them ill.''
``I do not cough for my own amusement,'' replied Kitty fretfully.
Pride and Prejudice

Indeed. 

HBBC: First Impressions

A belated HBBC post, overdue yet a promise is a promise. I try to keep mine, so Noor, here I am.

---
10th grade. This girl had enormous pride, I didn't like her. She wouldn't talk to us, and it was awkward when her two friends came to socialize. She had her own group of friends. This was our place, our school, our teachers. We belonged here. We weren't to be threatened. It was decided hostility, it was weird. Huda and I got along with everyone just fine. She was smart, perhaps we felt the competition. I'm sure she did too. We felt justified somehow.
We were asked to go to a school for a presentation and to our surprise we were to present with her. How fate works. We worked professionally together. We discussed it, agreed at how we'd do it. Till something happened. I can't remember what exactly. She wasn't so bad afterall, we laughed and joked. Even related to what the other was saying. Could this be? Yes. We became friends. Helped each other out with homework, it was good to have someone like her. So the year was spent. A lesson about people.

11th grade. I was put in a class on my own, how could I do this? When you had your twin sister with you throughout your school years in the same class it was only normal for you to feel scared. You wouldn't be able to do it. How could you break awkward silences with people without her joking? The first few weeks I was completely against the idea, it was going to be the end of me. They said it was for our benefit. We couldn't see how. Guess what? She was there with me. I remember her wanting to join another class to be with her friends but she said something about not leaving, at least I was here. There was hope. We sat together in the same group. I became bolder, more confident. I was on my own. I had it in me to be on my own. I kept her close. We studied, joked, read together. The time we had together made us realize of just how similar we were. We had inside jokes about teachers. This wasn't so bad, this was exactly what I needed. We confessed our mutual dislike for each other. We laughed it off.

12th grade. The best year of my school years by far, and mainly due to my friend Ayda. That's her name. I was a changed person. I became an almost nerdy rebel. We would talk every minute we were together. We knew every single thing the other did the previous day, when we went to sleep, when we woke up, what dishes we had for lunch and dinner, what did we study, what thoughts we had. There was no end to the topics we discussed. Teachers would always get annoyed. We didn't care, they loved us all the same. We sat a foot apart at first, then she moved to another place in the classroom. It never stopped us. when a teacher wrote something on the board, we stole moments to communicate what seemed an urgent piece of information to each other then. We were caught many times. She was the one who made me feel there was hope in me to be something, I could make it somehow in the world. She was the one I spent so much time telling about a book I was reading. She listened, like truly. She often told me how she loves my enthusiam for books. I loved her faith. She was honest. She set out to do something and she did it. She was the kind of person who knew what to say in the right moment. I was never that. I looked up to her in many things. We made it through a lot of drama that year. We cherished every moment. Endless texting back and forth.

I don't see her now at all. I miss talking to her endlessly; books and people and little things that happened to us. Life has its ways of keeping you away from the people you love. Yet, we'll always be in touch. I know that for sure. And I know, you'll always live in my heart, thoughts and prayers. I'll look back to my last days at school with smiles because of you, Ayda. So here. First impressions aren't to be trusted. Look at where we were and where we are now.
You're one of a kind. So I dedicate this post to you. I can't believe that you read what I write, that makes me proud. And I take pride in being your friend.

Yours,
Noor

She lived

They often asked her about themselves, she wasn't sure whether they expected answers. She hoped not, she didn't have any answers for anyone. A silence. A few minutes till they found the right words. They carried on and she realized it was as if they were addressing themselves more than speaking to her. They said her name, you know how when someone says you're name while talking to you. How serious it makes things sound. Not knowing whether they told her because of who she was to them, or they'd have told anyone who would've lent an ear. It didn't matter in the end, things didn't just revolve around your being. We all lived to serve a purpose, perhaps lived to find that purpose.


These thoughts of theirs led them inside the hollows of their souls. She waited. It was a dark place to be in. She let them find their way out. This was what they called comfortable silence. She loved these moments.This was what she'd remember years from now. This moment, this easiness. In her head, this moment filled pages and pages. A sigh of relief. She was blessed enough to be there. Then, they wearily took themselves out of it, asked her about her life. She wanted to tell them that they didn't have to, with her of all people they could simple let go of the strain of keeping a conversation. She gave an answer all the same, as heartfelt as she could make it. It sounded so void to, and she was sad. Sad because it was the best she could do. And there were things you just knew. It wasn't insecurities, and it was far from self-doubt. There were things you knew about yourselves. People denied about you, yet you knew they were true.

They smiled to her, a smile that said 'you have it so easy.' She was too used to that smile, didn't give it much thought. They asked no more, and sometimes they even left. She let them. She had no story, only an imagination. And a combination of half-lived experiences. Don't belittle them. They're everything she can truly call her own. For now.

But everyone had a story. I believed that. How come she had none? Is fate weaving her story without her knowing? So I hoped, she of all deserved it.

HBBC: Supernatural Powers

This week's topic is Engi Amin's Choice. Meet the rest of the HBBC members here.

I always dreamed of my own super powers. We all did, I'm sure. Flying was on the top of the list for quite a while. One hand in front, a determined look and a place that needed me. Spend time hanging up there, fly along migrating birds and touch the clouds. I always wondered what clouds felt like. Would they feel like cotton candy? Would they melt in my hands? Do you ever wonder about clouds? Why don't they put up a special window in the airplane where you could reach out and touch them yourself? WHY?!
If you think about it more deeply I'd need more than the flying super power to actually survive the flying experience. Oxygen levels are low up there, not to mention the freezing atmosphere. I'm probably disheartening myself... I would love to fly, though. the freedom of not being so pulled towards the earth, defying gravity. The joy of seeing anyone I wanted anytime I felt like it. Perhaps even look at the earth from afar, watch how it kept spinning around itself.

If flying doesn't work out, I can't seem to get better at driving anyway so how about flying, there's a second super power I'd love to have. Reading people's minds. In all honesty, the thoughts that cross my mind do surprise me sometimes. It would definitely be not cool if people found out about them. The silliness, seriousness, randomness, weirdness, and not to mention weirdness. They'll definitely think I have some sort of OCD, which let's face it, I totally do. So why would I want to hear people's thoughts but refuse for them to read mine? Besides having double standards, I just want to get the raw version of things. Emotions, thoughts, words that flew across their mind randomly, moments that played inside their head continuously.
Here's a serious thought though, should we judge others on the thoughts that they have? I always wondered. See, some of the thoughts you had no control whatsoever over. They just came to you, you could say that's your subconscious telling you what you really thought but then again, it wasn't true all the time. Was it?

Perhaps, when I could read their thoughts I'd reassure them of some of the misconceptions they had about themselves and about others. I'd tell them I understood what they were going through. I guess what we really crave for is understanding. If you could grant that to only one lost soul, how wonderful! Would it be too heavy of a burden though? I can't seem to handle my own thoughts most of the time. Just for one day, would I be surprised to the compassion and love and feel a deeper sense of belonging or would I be surprised by the hate and evil? Who knows. You must take your chances. I'm willing to take mine. See, I read too much into things. I want to be able to know what people are thinking of. End of story.

One last thing, I'm just a boring human with no superpowers... Go to the next person, perhaps they have something to wow you with. I'll just continue being... me!