Faith

We have plants in our flat now. I water them everyday, twice.
They're not ours. They're for my dad's friend, and we're looking after them while he's away. It's great. Though the sad thing is, we sometimes leave the house for a day or two and there's no one to water them. One of them is already dead, or very near that because it's seriously dry. I felt really sorry for it. The others aren't very much better, it's because of the weather here. It's very very hot.

I asked my mom why didn't we have plants? She explained that she tried keeping some a few years back but they wouldn't stay alive, besides we don't have much room in our home for them. I always thought I'd have a garden in my house, and I wouldn't dwell much on who would tend it. It demands time and effort. Now I'm thinking a few planets on the balcony wouldn't be so bad. The weather needs to be appropriate.

However, I'm not writing to express my future wishes for keeping a garden. I need to think out loud, because I've been thinking a lot these days and I don't think it's very healthy living inside my head. I've been reading, I don't know if it's the books I'm reading or it's me, but I'm not relating to books now, I'm reading for the sake of reading and I don't like that. I've been watching online most of the time I'm awake, and that has made me uncomfortable about the way I'm spending my Summer. I try to talk, but I have no idea what to say or how to say it. I'm thinking about my average, majors, universities and life after this Summer. And I'm also thinking about getting a BlackBerry.
I always hated my lack of confidence in the decisions I make, I hate the state of indecisiveness I'm in, and I hate how big a deal I'm making everything look like because it may just happen to be normal. Perhaps it's the right state of being for me right now, but I hate the state of unproductiveness I'm in. I need to read books, be able to help around in the house, watch movies, learn how to drive, and not spend the day inside of my head thinking and thinking of what I should be doing. I need to simply think and act.
I think it's because I'm nervous about my future, and that's normal, and because last year not a day went to waste without a humongous guilt. This is the transition needed to get back to leading a normal life. So this needs to come out.

I have faith in myself, and I need to start acting upon it.
Let's act upon on!

At the Mall

It's always fun to go to the mall. You're on your way with hopes you'll find something to buy, you'll eat that ice-cream you've been craving for so long, get that book you always wanted to read, and much more.
You arrive. You look around. You think there are many pieces worth considering, yet when you look closely you find nothing. You go eat dinner and never have that ice-cream. You see the book but think it's always there and can be bought another time. You leave the mall with thoughts of coming again in a week to filfull the plans you had in the first place.

The people are another thing. I always think of the mall as a place where you can see pretty much everyone. I don't mind people, I love watching them sometimes. I just hate people with certain airs they give themselves. I always thought people should be themselves.
I almost always catch myself laughing at something my sister is saying when we're walking at the mall, and I'd look around and there's a guy looking at me who may think I'm smiling at him. I'd hate that. I would seriously get annoyed by it before, but now I don't care! (:

So I hope this pointless post cheered you up a bit. And next time I'm at the mall, which would be tomorrow I think, I will have that Buskin Robbins ice-cream. Yes, I will!

Middlemarch - George Eliot

It has happened a few times, that when I finished a book I'd have the feeling that I should hug it dearly so that we can part so. Middlemarch gave that feeling to me like no other book did. It was everything I hope a classic should give and so much more.
The characters are divine. I can't even begin to understand the talent Eliot had to write such a novel. Middlemarch has everything; love, despair, hope, family, marriage and friendship.
It is a long book, and having been written so beautifully it'll take you to places you've never been to with a book before. At least, it was the case with me. I loved the characters, and I'd like to dwell on them for a moment. Everyone plays a part in Middlemarch and although throughout the book I changed my liking between characters, one character remained with me. This was Dorothea.
She is a young woman with high hopes for herself to make the world better for others. Life stands in her way in so many trying hours, yet her character stands firm. Of course most of us have the notion of changing the world, going to forsaken places to give a hand. This is all very noble, yet these opportunities never come easy. We wait for them but they never come. We think perhaps this is not the way such things happen, that we must somehow try to reach out and look for such opportunities ourselves, the thought lingers yet is seldom turned into action.
Dorothea has notions of helping others, yet she has real notions. She plans for them, and helps those around her. It was part of the reason why I loved her character. She was very simple and honest. Something I always wanted to be. She suffers grief, yet it doesn't hinder her from doing good. And she has a clear vision of what is right and wrong, and believes in humanity.
This all may seem like a perfect character, too good to be found on earth, yet the realness of Dorothea makes her character even more appealing. I found the attempt to draw such a character very genuine. Eliot, as far as I'm concerned, succeed very well with her characters, and I soon found myself greatly attached to most of them despite their flaws.
It has been a while that a novel was interesting enough for me to stay awake to finish it. I knew it had to be finished, I was struggling with emotions as I turned the last few pages. And I have to admit that I was crying. Tears rolled down my face easily, perhaps it was because of the hopelessness some characters were in, the hope others entertained, and the sad thought that I must part with this novel that has become very dear to me.

There were many lines I loved, and these are the few I took the time to write down:

"We mortals, men and women, devour many a disappointment between breakfast and dinner-time; keep back the tears and look a little pale about the lips, and in answer to inquiries say, "Oh, nothing!" Pride helps; and pride is not a bad thing when it only urges us to hide our hurts -- not to hurt others."
Page 51

"One can begin so many things with a new person! – even begin to be a better man."
Page 102

""He only feels confident that you will do it," said Dorothea, in a voice as clear and unhesitating as that of a young chorister chanting a credo, "because you mean to enter Parliament as a member who cares for the improvement of the people, and one of the first things to be made better is the state of the land and the laborers. Think of Kit Downes, uncle, who lives with his wife and seven children in a house with one sitting room and one bedroom hardly larger than this table!--and those poor Dagleys, in their tumble-down farmhouse, where they live in the back kitchen and leave the other rooms to the rats! That is one reason why I did not like the pictures here, dear uncle--which you think me stupid about. I used to come from the village with all that dirt and coarse ugliness like a pain within me, and the simpering pictures in the drawing-room seemed to me like a wicked attempt to find delight in what is false, while we don't mind how hard the truth is for the neighbors outside our walls. I think we have no right to come forward and urge wider changes for good, until we have tried to alter the evils which lie under our own hands."
Page 321

"That by desiring what is perfectly good, even when we don't quite know what it is and cannot do what we would, we are part of the divine power against evil--widening the skirts of light and making the struggle with darkness narrower."
Page 323

At the end I have to thank my friend Mohammed who encouraged me to read for George Eliot. This is just the kind of book that makes you believe in yourself and the things you can do for others. I really can't say anything more, for I'm afraid I've already said too much already but Middlemarch is absolutely worth reading.

Sing and Read

My nephew is the cutest ever! Last night I sang 'The Itsy Bitsy Spider' about 10 times, with dancing and everytime he would clap for my performance! Imagine that. I was ecstatic and I'd do it again, and he's smiling and clapping.
I just love him!

Right now I'm fighting the urge to read, because house chores are always there. My mom never asks us to do anything, specially this year so now I'm trying to make up for that, doing the best I can to leave the book.
It's been so long since I felt the urge to actually keep on reading, and it just feels like heaven. Is there anything better than reading?! I think not.

Colours of life

Exams ended. They were bound to end at some point, but it seemed so far yet it ended quicker than expected. I don't think that makes any sense.
I don't wish to dwell on the exams themselves, they went well thank God. I have so many Summer plans that if I get half of them done, I'd be very happy.

Anyways, I have so much to say! First today we went to buy books! Not just any books. There's this charity that sells used books. These books are donated. So you get them by such a cheap price. You can buy 3 for 1 Rial (1 Rial is about 2.5 $), so we got 6 books. They were mostly English books I didn't know, but there were some nice ones.
Yesterday I counted the books I have unread, and they were about 43. I was amazed, I didn't think they were so many but this makes me even more motivated to read and read!
Today we did some shopping as well. It's been so long since I shopped, and there tons of things I need to get but I am in no hurry. This feeling of having time is just very foreign at this moment, but I am getting used to it.
Time has to be spent wisely, our room needs major tidying up. Papers are all over the place, and we have people waiting to get our papers and notebooks for next year that I already feel sorry for them. It's such a trial, and I just think it shouldn't be like that!
I'm trying to catch up with everyone right now, but again- there's time. It's just that I can't shake off the feeling that things have to be done now. Like finishing this post, which has been building up in my head for a while. I'm surprised to find myself no longer thinking in terms of posts, tweets or status updates. Have you experienced that? It's just wrong for these social networking sites to make us so, and very wrong of us to go with the flow.
So let the Summer begin for I am ready for it.
I will leave you now to change my nail polish from blue, to black! As I said, I miss doing these little things to myself! Like read because I want to, not because I have to.
Expect more posts coming up.
Love

Emotions

I thought I had the opportunity to tell all. Yet, it passed away. I don't know if I didn't know what to say,.
As I tried to act as if nothing happened. Somehow it worked, and the day passed. And I keep wondering how we, humans, let the smallest things effect our relationships with people and how we deal with them. I can come talk to you, cheer you up, and then one day I'd be upset and you'd back off.
Is that friendship is like?
Not just on your side. Mine too. And they say true friendships no longer exist, but why do we have to demand of a friendship more than it can actually give?


I'm not directing this to a specific friend really, I'm just asking vague questions. I need to. I've been thinking about this all day, and I don't know the right way to express it but it has to come out.
Today, I chose to be positive. I did. I thought it was something that simply happened, and you felt it as the day went on. I've become moody lately and as the day goes, I start feeling guilty about being moody and it's become a vicious circle. So, perhaps these last couple of months won't be as I expect them to be, at least I know I am trying to make them better, and trying to leave good impressions of people I may not see again.

That is also an issue of itself. I didn't worry about leaving friends behind before, at least I'll be starting a new life. Now, I'm thinking these are people I've spent a lot of time with, and they know me well, I'm used to seeing them everyday, hear them whine about school, how am I going to feel leaving them? It's inevitable I know, some assure me we'll always be in touch, and I believed it. Now, I'm having second thoughts.
I remember a friend of mine, we knew her for 2 years, then she left to her country, we were close friends. I remember telling her how it'd be odd years from now when we meet it'll be hard for us to talk, to bring up topics as easily as we did. They laughed at me, telling me that won't happen to us. When we saw her, it was better than I thought it'd be, but still I felt what I said was true. It had to be this way. I guess that's life.

I'm controlling what I say. These days, I choose to remain silent on what I think shouldn't be said, or meaningless stuff I'd say to fill up the conversation. It's not because I want to know if people would be the ones starting conversations or keeping them, but I've seen that people depend on me to carry on the conversation. I don't mind, but sometimes I end up saying way more than I should have, and as I realize it, I keep asking myself why did I say all of that? I'm learning to let go.

A lot of deep stuff here. Don't know how to process all of these emotions. I'm not depressed, truly! I'm content somehow.
And I still believe:
"Its better to say too much, Than never say what you need to say" - John Mayer

<3
*This is to be ignored I think, I have no idea what I wanted to say but had to say something anyway because I need it out of my head. Yet, I feel there's something to be said I just need to know how to say it*

They want to be scientists!

It is the simplest thing in the world. What do you want to be when you grow up? They had a ready answer, or I should say answers. They want to be scientist.

As I tried explaining that there is actually no major that makes you a "scienitist", I thought why ruin their dream? Why complicate things for them when everything is so easy and simple. They're 10 year-olds, and their future is no big deal for them because there are so many things they want to do with their lives.

Talking to them made me wonder, did I know what I wanted to be when I was younger? Did I even have unrealistic wishes? Those that kids have like wanting to be a model or an astronaut? Or was I too busy playing and didn't have any goals?

And I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Engineering seems like the safe option right now, but I, too, want to be a scientist!!!

*And I'll find a way

And how fast can I go blabbering in 5 minutes about what's happening lately. It's 12:43 am and I'll stop at 12:48 am and see how far I can get.

We've had a couple of days off now, we went shopping! I almost forgot the joy of shopping because it's been so long since I went on a shopping spree. I got a really beautiful dress and Amazing shoes. Like seriously! And of course I got some books. I have no idea how can I stop buying books till I can catch up with the stack that's waiting for me. The good thing though is that it only gets more excited about reading, which is a bad thing too because I seriously can't afford to read that much nowadays, I need to go back do some serious studying for the 2nd semester but I don't feel like it much, hopefully after this weekend it'll get better and I can realize the seriousness of the situation and how far behind we are to get going.
And it's just been mom's day and all I did for my mom is wish her a happy Mother's Day. At our family I guess it's hard showing a lot of emotions (Edit 1: on second thought, it's probably just me, cuz my parents have been showing their love and affection this year a lot, and my sisters are great at that too but I guess I'm thinking we should be like those who say "I love you" with every hello and goodbye. It's just not like that) and I know that's not a good excuse for not at least telling her how much I loved her, but now having read someone saying how wonderful their mom is it just makes me feel guilty at how I can't seem to show my appreciation for having my mom around and for her being just who she is.

12:48am.
Should I go on? Well, it's just a touchy subject really, and try as I may I can't even put what I feel about it in words which is perhaps why I hardly, if ever, address it. I used to feel sorry for those who can't actually express their feelings and show how much they loved their family or such, but I'm realizing more and more that it also doesn't say much at the end of the day, it's mostly about how you treat them and the things you do for them. Right?

:)
*Post title is irrelevant.
PS: Do ignore the mistakes that are made is this post, whether grammatical, or whatever. My English isn't exactly at its peak at the moment. Don't hate.
Edit 2: Gosh, this final year at school actually got to me and I let it, I've become less of an optimist, and I hate that. Life is beautiful even though I have tonnes of things to do for tomorrow and I'm wasting time!

Mrs. Dalloway

Mrs. Dalloway is no usual novel. It gets you into the head of people associated with Mrs. Dalloway's upcoming party. All takes place in one day, and it's just a captivating read. Woolf takes you deep into her characters, and she's brilliant with the way she deals with them, and gets you into their inner thoughts. It's a really good book.
I'm definitely a fan of Virgina Woolf, this is my second book for her, my first was Orlando. The way she writes is what got me into the book. It's just so good! You may love Woolf, and you may hate her works but you'll have to admit at the end of the day that she writes so well and I find myself amazed at how often I can relate with what she's writing about.

Here are a few quotes I found myself pondering upon in the novel:
"Did it matter then, she asked herself, walking towards Bond Street, did it matter that she must inevitably cease completely; all this must go on without her; did she resent it; or did it not become consoling to believe that death ended absolutely? but that somehow in the streets of London, on the ebb and flow of things, here, there, she survived, Peter survived, lived in each other, she being part, she was positive, of the trees at home; of the house there, ugly, rambling all to bits and pieces as it was; part of people she had never met; being laid out like a mist between the people she knew best, who lifted her on their branches as she had seen the trees lift the mist, but it spread ever so far, her life, herself. But what was she dreaming as she looked into Hatchards' shop window?"
Pages 11, 12

"Oddly enough, she was one of the most thorough-going sceptics he had ever met... possibly she said to herself, as we are doomed race, chained to a sinking ship (her favorite reading as a girl was Huxley and Tyndall, and they were fond of these nautical metaphors), as the whole thing is a bad joke, let us, at any rate, do our part; mitigate the sufferings of our fellow-prisoners (Huxley again); decorate the dungeon with flowers and air-cushions; be as decent as we possibly can."
Pages 86, 87 “Just now!” She said that with her Italian accent. She said that herself. He shaded his eyes so that he might see only a little of her face at a time, first the chin, then the nose, then the forehead, in case it were deformed, or had some terrible mark on it. But no, there she was, perfectly natural, sewing, with the pursed lips that women have, the set, the melancholy expression, when sewing. But there was nothing terrible about it, he assured himself, looking a second time, a third time at her face, her hands, for what was frightening or disgusting in her as she sat there in broad daylight, sewing?"
Page 157 (This, weird as it may sound, is my favourite quote! How did she manage to capture that thought so well. I do that sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, afraid I might have changed drastically overnight.)

“Then (she had felt it only this morning) there was the terror; the overwhelming incapacity, one’s parents giving it into one’s hands, this life, to be lived to the end, to be walked with serenely; there was in the depths of her heart an awful fear."
Page 203

(:

To be able to look back and smile.

^^That's the goal.
Life offers so many opportunities. Yet, we can't see them clearly sometimes.