Emotions

I thought I had the opportunity to tell all. Yet, it passed away. I don't know if I didn't know what to say,.
As I tried to act as if nothing happened. Somehow it worked, and the day passed. And I keep wondering how we, humans, let the smallest things effect our relationships with people and how we deal with them. I can come talk to you, cheer you up, and then one day I'd be upset and you'd back off.
Is that friendship is like?
Not just on your side. Mine too. And they say true friendships no longer exist, but why do we have to demand of a friendship more than it can actually give?


I'm not directing this to a specific friend really, I'm just asking vague questions. I need to. I've been thinking about this all day, and I don't know the right way to express it but it has to come out.
Today, I chose to be positive. I did. I thought it was something that simply happened, and you felt it as the day went on. I've become moody lately and as the day goes, I start feeling guilty about being moody and it's become a vicious circle. So, perhaps these last couple of months won't be as I expect them to be, at least I know I am trying to make them better, and trying to leave good impressions of people I may not see again.

That is also an issue of itself. I didn't worry about leaving friends behind before, at least I'll be starting a new life. Now, I'm thinking these are people I've spent a lot of time with, and they know me well, I'm used to seeing them everyday, hear them whine about school, how am I going to feel leaving them? It's inevitable I know, some assure me we'll always be in touch, and I believed it. Now, I'm having second thoughts.
I remember a friend of mine, we knew her for 2 years, then she left to her country, we were close friends. I remember telling her how it'd be odd years from now when we meet it'll be hard for us to talk, to bring up topics as easily as we did. They laughed at me, telling me that won't happen to us. When we saw her, it was better than I thought it'd be, but still I felt what I said was true. It had to be this way. I guess that's life.

I'm controlling what I say. These days, I choose to remain silent on what I think shouldn't be said, or meaningless stuff I'd say to fill up the conversation. It's not because I want to know if people would be the ones starting conversations or keeping them, but I've seen that people depend on me to carry on the conversation. I don't mind, but sometimes I end up saying way more than I should have, and as I realize it, I keep asking myself why did I say all of that? I'm learning to let go.

A lot of deep stuff here. Don't know how to process all of these emotions. I'm not depressed, truly! I'm content somehow.
And I still believe:
"Its better to say too much, Than never say what you need to say" - John Mayer

<3
*This is to be ignored I think, I have no idea what I wanted to say but had to say something anyway because I need it out of my head. Yet, I feel there's something to be said I just need to know how to say it*

They want to be scientists!

It is the simplest thing in the world. What do you want to be when you grow up? They had a ready answer, or I should say answers. They want to be scientist.

As I tried explaining that there is actually no major that makes you a "scienitist", I thought why ruin their dream? Why complicate things for them when everything is so easy and simple. They're 10 year-olds, and their future is no big deal for them because there are so many things they want to do with their lives.

Talking to them made me wonder, did I know what I wanted to be when I was younger? Did I even have unrealistic wishes? Those that kids have like wanting to be a model or an astronaut? Or was I too busy playing and didn't have any goals?

And I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Engineering seems like the safe option right now, but I, too, want to be a scientist!!!

*And I'll find a way

And how fast can I go blabbering in 5 minutes about what's happening lately. It's 12:43 am and I'll stop at 12:48 am and see how far I can get.

We've had a couple of days off now, we went shopping! I almost forgot the joy of shopping because it's been so long since I went on a shopping spree. I got a really beautiful dress and Amazing shoes. Like seriously! And of course I got some books. I have no idea how can I stop buying books till I can catch up with the stack that's waiting for me. The good thing though is that it only gets more excited about reading, which is a bad thing too because I seriously can't afford to read that much nowadays, I need to go back do some serious studying for the 2nd semester but I don't feel like it much, hopefully after this weekend it'll get better and I can realize the seriousness of the situation and how far behind we are to get going.
And it's just been mom's day and all I did for my mom is wish her a happy Mother's Day. At our family I guess it's hard showing a lot of emotions (Edit 1: on second thought, it's probably just me, cuz my parents have been showing their love and affection this year a lot, and my sisters are great at that too but I guess I'm thinking we should be like those who say "I love you" with every hello and goodbye. It's just not like that) and I know that's not a good excuse for not at least telling her how much I loved her, but now having read someone saying how wonderful their mom is it just makes me feel guilty at how I can't seem to show my appreciation for having my mom around and for her being just who she is.

12:48am.
Should I go on? Well, it's just a touchy subject really, and try as I may I can't even put what I feel about it in words which is perhaps why I hardly, if ever, address it. I used to feel sorry for those who can't actually express their feelings and show how much they loved their family or such, but I'm realizing more and more that it also doesn't say much at the end of the day, it's mostly about how you treat them and the things you do for them. Right?

:)
*Post title is irrelevant.
PS: Do ignore the mistakes that are made is this post, whether grammatical, or whatever. My English isn't exactly at its peak at the moment. Don't hate.
Edit 2: Gosh, this final year at school actually got to me and I let it, I've become less of an optimist, and I hate that. Life is beautiful even though I have tonnes of things to do for tomorrow and I'm wasting time!

Mrs. Dalloway

Mrs. Dalloway is no usual novel. It gets you into the head of people associated with Mrs. Dalloway's upcoming party. All takes place in one day, and it's just a captivating read. Woolf takes you deep into her characters, and she's brilliant with the way she deals with them, and gets you into their inner thoughts. It's a really good book.
I'm definitely a fan of Virgina Woolf, this is my second book for her, my first was Orlando. The way she writes is what got me into the book. It's just so good! You may love Woolf, and you may hate her works but you'll have to admit at the end of the day that she writes so well and I find myself amazed at how often I can relate with what she's writing about.

Here are a few quotes I found myself pondering upon in the novel:
"Did it matter then, she asked herself, walking towards Bond Street, did it matter that she must inevitably cease completely; all this must go on without her; did she resent it; or did it not become consoling to believe that death ended absolutely? but that somehow in the streets of London, on the ebb and flow of things, here, there, she survived, Peter survived, lived in each other, she being part, she was positive, of the trees at home; of the house there, ugly, rambling all to bits and pieces as it was; part of people she had never met; being laid out like a mist between the people she knew best, who lifted her on their branches as she had seen the trees lift the mist, but it spread ever so far, her life, herself. But what was she dreaming as she looked into Hatchards' shop window?"
Pages 11, 12

"Oddly enough, she was one of the most thorough-going sceptics he had ever met... possibly she said to herself, as we are doomed race, chained to a sinking ship (her favorite reading as a girl was Huxley and Tyndall, and they were fond of these nautical metaphors), as the whole thing is a bad joke, let us, at any rate, do our part; mitigate the sufferings of our fellow-prisoners (Huxley again); decorate the dungeon with flowers and air-cushions; be as decent as we possibly can."
Pages 86, 87 “Just now!” She said that with her Italian accent. She said that herself. He shaded his eyes so that he might see only a little of her face at a time, first the chin, then the nose, then the forehead, in case it were deformed, or had some terrible mark on it. But no, there she was, perfectly natural, sewing, with the pursed lips that women have, the set, the melancholy expression, when sewing. But there was nothing terrible about it, he assured himself, looking a second time, a third time at her face, her hands, for what was frightening or disgusting in her as she sat there in broad daylight, sewing?"
Page 157 (This, weird as it may sound, is my favourite quote! How did she manage to capture that thought so well. I do that sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, afraid I might have changed drastically overnight.)

“Then (she had felt it only this morning) there was the terror; the overwhelming incapacity, one’s parents giving it into one’s hands, this life, to be lived to the end, to be walked with serenely; there was in the depths of her heart an awful fear."
Page 203

(:

To be able to look back and smile.

^^That's the goal.
Life offers so many opportunities. Yet, we can't see them clearly sometimes.

A chance to win 10 RO worth of books

Here's a great chance to win 10 Rials worth of books from a publishing house of your choosing in the Muscat Book Fair 2010, this is offered by the author of this blog:
More Than One Life

Here's the post for more information, hurry tomorrow night is the deadline. (Of course, this is only for people living in Oman!):
http://morethan1life.blogspot.com/2010/02/blog-post_7600.html

Awesome!

Thoughts

Thoughts running around my head needing to come out. I try to let them out, but I always manage to say what I want to say the wrong way, at least here, it's better.
I need to vent out. So if this comes across as random or pointless, bear with me, it's been building up for a while now, and it's time to let it out.

12th grade isn't the jolliest experience one goes through. I truly tried to make this year the best one (and am still trying) but I don't think it'll be as awesome as people say it should be. I've probably had more drama happening this year more than any other, and I'm not trying to be mysterious or anything but I'm trying to let it go.
Studying does suck one's soul out, I mean let's face it I am a fairly boring person, if you don't like books, then I'll probably try talking about movies, if not I'll say stuff you probably won't relate to. I don't know if I'm being too harsh on myself, but it's true. I've noticed it while talking to girls at school, if they're my good friends then ok we can talk about anything, but if not then no. I don't mind that much really. Hmm, see? I just did that. Blah! Let's move on...

So the 'whatever-they're-called-kind-of-stupid-10-marks-exams' are coming soon. The whole thing is just stupid, it makes me want to go like 'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah' and bang my head on a wall. They're in about a month, don't know exactly when and the time table isn't out, and there's a possibility of it being surprising exams, like without a timetable, so go figure.
I don't want to dwell on that much, but it's just all so frustrating. And studying is....! Well, you study and study and then do like me last Wed. mess up a short Math quiz. I was so depressed after that, I still am a bit, and what makes it worse is that I've had enough time this weekend to ponder over the mistake and drown in misery (not lit. but said for a dramatic effect), the teacher will probably make it worse this Sat. but I won't let her get to me, I just hate it though when people lecture you things you already figured out for yourself.
It's just that sometimes you think no matter how much you study it won't be enough, or worse that you think you're not doing your best and then getting depressed by the feeling that you're not doing your best. It's just hard. There! And I can't wake up at 5! I JUST CAN'T.

Gosh, *looks at the post* that's probably the darkest post I've ever written but hey, that's to remember this time of my life. I'm not as depressed as I sound though, but this is needed to just vent.

But no matter what, I'm keeping the good spirit, and inshallah it'll be ok. :)

Hello World*

It's been ages since I posted some blabberings here so I thought I'd do it tonight. I can't complain much, I've been reading good stuff lately. Only now I'm reading something very light for John Grisham, Bleachers. Too many books waiting to be read!!

Anyhow, I thought it's be nice to talk about what I like and what I don't, over the previous posts I've definitely talked about them, but it's been a while, and my readers don't mind, now do you?!
So I like: books, writing for English class, hanging out with friends at the school yard, bright colors, good Arabic literature, noodles, post-it, Labello, Josh Groban, Harry Potter, going green, activism, my online friends, optimism, high heels!, funny ads, learning languages, Istanbul, singing out loud,.

I don't like: waking up feeling sleep-deprived, sound of chewing, sports, really hot weather, people with an air, insects, acne, coffee, not being able to help, being upset for no reason, not being heard, not knowing what to say (doesn't happen that often, since I'm talkative but it's annoying when it does happen), being misunderstood, strong smells.

Post courtesy: The Sepia Existence - Plagiarists!

Post title: Come Home - One Republic "Hello world, hope you're listening, forgive me if I'm young, for speaking out of turn...." <3

My Name is Red

I started reading My Name is Red with hardly any expectations, I was filled with excitement to be reading my first book about the Ottoman era, and the first time reading for a Turkish author though, and I was not disappointed. The author is brilliant! I don't know what to think of it, I'm not sure if I understand what the book was trying to say completely, but such a book must be read I believe. I can't really talk about it, I don't know why, it's hard to describe it to my sister even, and that doesn't happen to me that often. You just have to read it to know, even if you don't like it you won't be left disappointed.


Here's a quote I loved:
"Nevertheless, I must confess that it gave me a certain pleasure to behave as if I were afraid of them. An artist's skill depends on carefully attending to the beauty of the present moment, taking everything down to the minutest detail seriously, while at the same time, stepping back from the world, which takes itself too seriously, and as if looking into a mirror allowing for the distance and eloquence of a jest."
Page 368

My Name is Red
Orhan Pamuk
Vintage

Long Walk to Freedom

This is a really inspiring read. It makes you realize the hardships Nelson Mandela went through in his life to achieve what he's achieved in his life. It makes you truly respect him, and be inspired by what he did.

I found it amazing how he managed to put some of what he went through in words. All of his years fighting for the ANC, going underground and getting prisoned. How all of these happenings shaped the man who was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. It's a Must-Read for all of those trying to make the world a better place.
I loved how it somehow makes you think of what matters in life.
I highly recommend it.

Here are a few quotes:
"There was no particular day on which I said, From henceforth I will devote myself to the liberation of my people; instead, I simply found myself doing so, and could not do otherwise."
Page - 129 (This is my favourite. Often while someone talks about an experience he went through, he'd say from that day on, or from that moment on I knew I was going to be.. or something similar, however in life that doesn't happen to most of us, we simply finding ourselves doing it without knowing when did it start. That's why I simply love it!)

"It was a clear night and somehow even the stars looked even more welcoming here than from elsewhere on the continent."
Page - 426

"Man's goodness is a flame that can be hidden, but never extinguished."
Page 856