Thought or Action?

What matters the most? The thought, or the action? I'd like to contemplate this out loud, maybe I won't be able to come up with a conclusion but its worth the try.

This debate has been going on in my head for a while now. The thought is very important, it shows that you've actually been thinking about something, which is very important. Yet the action matters as well. Let me give you an example, I've seen a Rachel Ray episode that talked about husbands getting their wives flowers. Mostly they got them red roses from the mall, gas station, etc. The husbands defended their action by saying that it was the thought that counts, which the wives complained that they got the typical red roses from the mall which is absolutely devoid of any thought, because if there was a thought, it'd have been the kind of rose they loved, in a nice bouquet. I sort of agree with them, it's nice that the husbands thought of it, and actually got their wives flowers, but still, the action here counts as well.

One of my recent reads touched this subject a bit, it was how one person thought about killing a person, and that person being dead, the person felt guilty since he might have had a hand in it since he thought about it and wished it. It's not exactly the way I mentioned it, but it's somehow like that. I know it's not his fault, and as long as he didn't do it, it shouldn't matter. But doesn't it really? I think it does matter, the thought also counts, it's not the same as having done the action but still.

I'm a big fan of the thought, like if a person cooked for you, and it turned out to be a total disaster, then I'd say it's the thought that counts. But there should be a limit, when it's the thought that counts, and when the action actually counts as well, like when you're thinking about something, you should try to make the action equal the thought so that the person actually appreciates what you've done.
I wish I could write about how I feel about this more clearly, but I hope you got where I'm going.

Gifts

I always have a hard time picking gifts for family member, or friends. It's tough thinking it's going to be a "typical" gift that was impersonal. I always thought a gift should be personal. However, making it personal seems a bit hard. Do we have to gift each other extravagant things? Why not make it simple, buy the person the thing s/he likes? Why does it seem to me lately that when you're buying a gift you're trying to prove something? Trying to prove that you can get a person fancy things? Showing off your gift?
How lame does that sound? Why are we so caught up with what people think? I think it's become inevitable to think of what others would think about what we do, it's crazy if you ask me.

For me, buying accessories to people is always safe, for girls specially. I love getting them, and people (I think) like getting them. I try to keep my gifts simple. If I could tell people what to get me it'd be books!
My dad keeps it simple really, he simply gives us money. I think it's great. It's maybe my own frustration of not knowing what to get people, or it could be that from what I've seen in my life, I get frustrated how predictable gifts get; mobile phones, laptops, diamonds, etc. They're nice stuff, don't get me wrong, specially if a person is in need of one, but when it's simply getting it for show, or because they have to get the person a gift. Getting a person just a bag isn't little? I think some people under estimate things which is why they get fancy things. Why can't we gift people a book without feeling it's something little for them?
People are usually happy with their gifts, but for me, I think it's sort of vain. I get too attached things, I'm perfectly aware of it, and if people are happy then why am I complaining? But I just hate it if it happened to me, and I wouldn't mind it with people I didn't know, but my close friends and family shouldn't feel like that, getting me fancy stuff. I know sometimes people do it to show how much they care, and if you do it once or twice I wouldn't mind, I'm a vain girl myself, but I'd also love to get simple, yet personal things.

Hmm, that's all I have to offer on the topic really, I'd love to your feedback though. What do you like gifting people? And what do you love getting from people?

The Karamazov Brothers

I've finished reading the Karamazov Brothers a couple of days ago, and it was a great novel. I've read Crime and Punishment for Dostoevsky before, but this was nothing like it! It was a great read, a very rich novel if I may say so.
Here are a couple of quotes that really caught my attention:


"Now we are either horrified or pretend to be horrified, though we really gloat over the spectacle, and we love strong and eccentric sensations which tickle our cynical, pampered idleness. Or, like little children, we brush the dreadful ghosts away and hide our heads in the pillow so as to return to our sports and merriment as soon as they have vanished. But we must one day begin life in sober earnest, we must look at ourselves as a society; it's time we tried to grasp something of our social position, or at least to make a beginning in that direction"
Pages 781, 782

"His passion might well, for a moment, stifle not only the fear of arrest, but even the torments of conscience. For a moment, oh, only for a moment! I can picture the state of mind of the criminal hopelessly enslaved by these influences -- first, the influence of drink, of noise and excitement, of the thud of the dance and the scream of the song, and of her, flushed with wine, singing and dancing and laughing to him! Secondly, the hope in the background that the fatal end might still be far off, that not till next morning, at least, they would come and take him. So he had a few hours and that's much, very much! In a few hours one can think of many things. I imagine that he felt something like what criminals feel when they are being taken to the scaffold. They have another long, long street to pass down and at walking pace, past thousands of people. Then there will be a turning into another street and only at the end of that street the dread place of execution! I fancy that at the beginning of the journey the condemned man, sitting on his shameful cart, must feel that he has infinite life still before him. The houses recede, the cart moves on -- oh, that's nothing, it's still far to the turning into the second street and he still looks boldly to right and to left at those thousands of callously curious people with their eyes fixed on him, and he still fancies that he is just such a man as they. But now the turning comes to the next street. Oh, that's nothing, nothing, there's still a whole street before him, and however many houses have been passed, he will still think there are many left. And so to the very end, to the very scaffold."
Page 806

The Karamazov Brothers
Wordsworth Classics of World Literature

PS: Thanks, Ashok, for recommending it!!!

"Cause basically this place is needing instruments of harmony, Spreading my philosophy of love and inspiration..."*

It's the holidays! So "ouais"!! I'm thrilled, I have a lot of lazying around to do, books calling for me to read them, and new movies to catch up on! I'm on my way through the Karamazov Brothers which is a very good read so far, and I can't stop buying books and I am not feeling guilty at all for having so many books waiting to be read. :)

There are a few things to be done in this holiday though, I have to start working on my "graduation project" for next year, which is somewhat a research about anything really, but something we're not used to. I don't believe in it, but I have to do to graduate. It's a drag, and I'd rather get it over with and not have to worry about it next year at school.

Anyways! Hope everyone's having a nice time, and leaving their special mark in this world!
Don't over think things (random but hey! it helps me out at times.), and remember to be happy. :)

*Try Try Try - Jason Mraz

Words

Do you know how when you plan things in your mind, and think of how you'll act in certain situations? I always do that, looking at the fact that I almost live in my head, I think you can relate to this, right?

Anyways, I always feel like I say the wrong thing, always! It's very frustrating, how you think you'll say the right thing, or even better not say much so that you'll say the wrong stuff, but I just can't stop. I try to stay silent and not say anything, and let the moment pass because other people will comment, knowing that if I voiced my opinion it'd mean that I'd probably end up saying something I'd regret later, and would be glad if I didn't say it at all. I know sometime's it's all about saying what you think, and I'm all up for that but in certain things I'm not. I'd rather keep my opinion to myself knowing that it wouldn't change a thing, and a couple of minutes later it'd be forgot, so why make people angry with something I wouldn't mean a few hours after pondering upon it?

It's just truly frustrating! Feeling that I can't stop myself sometimes. And how words sometimes get out of my mouth that just aren't what I think, and don't represent what I stand up for at all. And I wish I could be the person who simply forgets it, and moves on, because other people (thankfully) do. But I can't! I keep on playing it over and over in my head until I eat myself up with guilt. It's not healthy, that's why I'm trying to venture out my feelings here.
Words! Sometimes they can be totally working against me.

It's Life

Life is fascinating! Don't you think?
It's just amazing how sometimes, just when you think what goes on in your mind is just different from the things that go through other people's minds; you find out people thinking the exact same things. It's just really so interesting.

The other day I was reading a book, and it was a nice little book that my friend gave me, and the author was talking about his early life and about his family and such and then he says something like 'I haven't truly experienced life.' It's just really really something that truly hit me when I read it. I know it may not sound that interesting, but I've always felt that I haven't still truly lived. I know that sounds very vague, and maybe even unbelievable, because even to me it sometimes does, since I have a life!

But it's just something that you can't help feeling sometimes, with me it goes something like: I'll definitely start to truly live when I leave school, get into college, and such things. Breaking away from school is such a big part of feeling like living when it's actually a very basic thing with life. I know that may not make sense, but I really think there's a big chance you may relate to what I'm saying. To just think that life is about living, in any way you choose to live, with family and friends and all the little experiences we've all had, everything we've been through and everything we'll be put through. What about the life you have? Your family? Your friends? The places you've been? You're passions? All of these things and so many more are there, and just to think that there's something good right there in you, and I truly think it applies to everyone why do we like to just make excuses? I'm done with all of that, I am!

We just need to realize that life already started, and we shouldn't keep on saying I'll truly start living when I do this or that or whatever. You are living! Stop trying to live, and just live and make the best out of what you have. I think I'll do my best to apply that, and just live. :)

<3

The Middle

Don't you just feel like having someone sing this for you? Well, I do! And, I'll sing it to myself:

It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright. (alright)

The Middle
Jimmy Eat World
(Was introduced to it by ViC*
Thanks a lot for that! )

^^ From me, to all of you out there!

Purpose

I'd like to experience the life where you always need to have an umbrella in your bag
Never knowing when it might rain. Where I can sit for hours in the park under the huge, long trees and simply get lost in the book in my hands. Take long walks on the streets, and simply get lost between the people. Shop in a market, not in shopping malls. Be able to watch the sunset.
This is how I hope my life would turn out to be, some of these things I can have control over, and others I may not. But I truly hope it turns out that way. I do think I live in my head most of the time!!! I'm not a very dreamy person, but when it comes to the life I'd like to lead in the future, I have a very decided image.
What I struggle the most with is however what I'll be doing in my life-to-be. Is it so important to have a clear image of that too? Why can't I simply continue my dreaming without knowing what I'll be doing. Can I simply live life; reading, and taking long walks? That wouldn't do though. Because then what? I know the sound of such a life is certainly appealing, but I think too much of myself to spend my life in that somewhat idle way.
It's truly hard to contemplate what I want to study and do with my life. I talk about that a lot, but here is the probably the right place since there won't be any person going like ":O You don't know what you want to study? Well, you should by now!" It's frustrating how people react when they know I don't have a clear "purpose". The purpose, however, needs to meet their standards of what a "purpose" is. And that is, a major that you "have" to be highly interested in and want to work in that field. What if my idea of a purpose differed from theirs? What if my idea of a purpose meant me going off changing the world? I know it's become somewhat of a cliche, saying that I want to change the world. I will rephrase though, how about simply experiencing different things and making sure that people were affected by these experiences in a good way?
It is indeed too vague an idea to be pursued. Everything's so undecided that it leaves me in great confusion, I know there will come a time where I'll need to make a choice of where and what I'll be studying. I don't think you know how frightening it can be sometimes to simply think of the notion and of the possibility of choosing something to please others and ending up stuck with that. What makes it much easier to bear, is the fact that my work towards making my mark in this world is in no way connected to what I'll by studying or what will my job be. It's a huge relief to be fully aware of that fact. It makes my mind at ease.

I know I should have a clear plan ahead of me. I am an ambitious person, and I have enough personality to actually decide something and stick to it. However the realization of such thoughts is disappointing.
What am I to do with myself?

I'm not such a hopeless case really. I'm too positive to let this thinking get me down, but it is inevitable to be expressing this, to actually show myself I'm not the careless person I sometimes think I am when I think of my future "major".

Villette

"Happiness is the cure - a cheerful mind the preventive: cultivate both."
No Mockery in this world ever sounds to me so hollow as that of being told to cultivate happiness. What does such advice mean? Happiness is not a potato, to be planted in mould, and tilled with manure. Happiness is a glory shinning far down upon us out of heaven. She is a divine dew which the soul, on certain of its summer mornings, feels dropping down upon it from the amaranth bloom and golden fruitage of Paradise.
"Cultivate happiness?" I said briefly to the doctor: 'do you cultivate happiness? How do you manage it?"
"I am a cheerful fellow by nature: and then ill-luck has never dogged me. Adversity gave me and my mother one passing scowl and brush, but we defied her, or rather laughed at her, and she went by."
"There is no cultivation in all this."
"I do not give way to melancholy."

From Villette by Charlotte Bronte
Wordsworth Classics

رسالة من المنفى - محمود درويش

This is a poem by the Palestinian poet Mahmoud Darwish. It's called 'A letter from exile'. As soon as I read it I fell in love with it. We have it in our Arabic textbook, and I never knew I had a love for poetry, but this is beyond words. Truly it's amazing, and it's such a pity I couldn't find any translation of it in English. It's too beautiful.

تحيةً.. وقبلةً
وليسَ عندي ما أقولُ بعدْ
من أينَ أبتدي؟ وأينَ أنتهي؟..
ودورةُ الزمانِ دونَ حدّ
وكلُّ ما في غربتي
زوّادةٌ، فيها رغيفٌ يابسٌ، ووَجدْ
ودفترٌ يحملُ عنّي بعضَ ما حملتْ
بصقتُ في صفحاتهِ ما ضاقَ بي من حقدْ
من أينَ أبتدي؟
وكلُّ ما قيلَ وما يقالْ بعدَ غدْ
لا ينتهي بضمّةٍ.. أو لمسةٍ من يدْ
لا يُرجعُ الغريبَ للديار
لا يُنزلُ الأمطار
لا يُنبتُ الريشَ على
جناحِ طيرٍ ضائعٍ.. منهدّ
من أينَ أبتدي؟
تحيةً.. وقبلةً.. وبعدْ..


-2-

أقولُ للمذياع.. قلْ لها أنا بخيرْ
أقولُ للعصفورِ
إن صادفتَها يا طيرْ
لا تنسني، وقلْ بخيرْ
أنا بخيرْ
أنا بخيرْ
ما زال في عينيَّ بصرْ!
ما زالَ في السّما قمرْ!
وثوبي العتيق، حتى الآنَ، ما اندثرْ
تمزقت أطرافهُ
لكنني رتقتهُ.. ولم يزلْ بخيرْ
وصرتُ شاباً جاوزَ العشرين
تصوريني.. صرتُ في العشرينْ
وصرتُ كالشبابِ يا أمّاه
أواجهُ الحياه
وأحملُ العبءَ كما الرجالُ يحملونْ
وأشتغل
في مطعمٍ.. وأغسلُ الصحون.
وأصنعُ القهوةَ للزبونْ
وألصقُ البسماتِ فوق وجهيَ الحزينْ
ليفرحَ الزبونْ


-3-

أنا بخيرْ
قد صرتُ في العشرينْ
وصرتُ كالشباب يا أمّاه
أدخّنُ التبغَ، وأتّكي على الجدارْ
أقولُ للحلوةِ: آه
كما يقولُ الآخرونْ
« يا إخوتي، ما أطيبَ البنات،
تصوروا كم مُرَّةٌ هيَ الحياة
بدونهنَّ.. مُرّة هي الحياة »
وقالَ صاحبي: « هل عندكم رغيف؟
يا إخوتي؛ ما قيمةُ الإنسانْ
إن نامَ كلَّ ليلةٍ.. جوعانْ؟ »
أنا بخيرْ
أنا بخيرْ
عندي رغيفٌ أسمر
وسلّةٌ صغيرةٌ من الخضار


-4-

سمعتُ في المذياعْ
تحيةَ المشرّدينَ.. للمشرّدينْ
قالَ الجميعُ: كلّنا بخيرْ
لا أحدٌ حزينْ ؛
فكيفَ حالُ والدي؟
ألمْ يزَلْ كعهدهِ، يحبُّ ذكرَ الله
والأبناءَ.. والترابَ.. والزيتون؟
وكيفَ حالُ إخوتي
هل أصبحوا موظفين؟
سمعتُ يوماً والدي يقولْ:
سيصبحونَ كلهم معلمين…
سمعتهُ يقول:
(أجوعُ حتى أشتري لهم كتاب)
لا أحد في قريتي يفكُّ حرفاً في خطاب
وكيفَ حالُ أختنا
هل كبرتْ.. وجاءها خُطّاب؟
وكيفَ حالُ جدّتي
ألم تزلْ كعهدها تقعدُ عندَ البابْ؟
تدعو لنا…
بالخيرِ.. والشبابِ.. والثوابْ!
وكيفَ حالُ بيتنا
والعتبةِ الملساء.. والوجاقِ.. والأبوابْ؟
سمعتُ في المذياعْ
رسائل المشرّدينَ.. للمشردينْ
جميعهم بخيرْ!
لكنني حزينْ..
تكادُ أن تأكلَني الظنونْ
لم يحملِ المذياعُ عنكم خبراً..
ولو حزينْ
ولو حزينْ


-5-

الليلُ – يا أمّاهُ – ذئبٌ جائعٌ سفّاحْ
يطاردُ الغريبَ أينما مضى..
ويفتحُ الآفاقَ للأشباحْ
وغابةُ الصفصافِ لم تزلْ تعانقُ الرياحْ
ماذا جنينا نحنُ يا أماهْ؟
حتّى نموتَ مرّتين
فمرّةً نموتُ في الحياة
ومرةً نموتُ عندَ الموتْ!
هل تعلمينَ ما الذي يملأني بكاء؟
هَبي مرضتُ ليلةً.. وهدَّ جسمي الداء!
هل يذكرُ المساءْ
مهاجراً أتى هنا.. ولم يعدْ إلى الوطن؟
هل يذكر المساءْ
مهاجراً ماتَ بلا كفنْ؟
يا غابةَ الصفصاف! هل ستذكرين
أن الذي رَموْه تحتَ ظلّكِ الحزينْ
-كأيِّ شيءٍ ميّتٍ – إنسانْ؟
هل تذكرينَ أنني إنسانْ
وتحفظينَ جثتي من سطوةِ الغربانْ؟
أمّاهُ يا أماه.
لمن كتبتُ هذهِ الأوراق
أيُّ بريدٍ ذاهبٍ يحملها؟
سُدَّت طريقُ البرِّ والبحارِ والآفاقْ..
وأنتِ يا أمّاه
ووالدي، وإخوتي، والأهلُ، والرفاقْ..
لعلّكم أحياءْ
لعلّكم أمواتْ
لعلّكم مثلي بلا عنوانْ
ما قيمةُ الإنسان
بلا وطن
بلا علَمْ
ودونما عنوانْ
ما قيمةُ الإنسانْ؟

محمود درويش